Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It's funny how everything can change in a second

I've ridden the euphoria from my Europe trip to its end.  It lasted well beyond my return home, so that's a blessing.  It probably would have continued another few weeks had today's events not happened.  But they did, so I'm working on accepting it and announcing it, so I can work on changing it, or at least enjoying what I can.

My scans from yesterday showed a recurrance of cancer.  It's popped up in "splatters" on my lungs and liver.  Not nice big localized spots that can be removed or zapped with radiation, but speckles that can be treated only with chemo.  My doctor has told me today, that this will kill me.  The question of when depends on how I respond to chemo.  Most likely, I have less than two years.

My first thought, seriously, for a fleeing second, was "I'm so glad I went to Europe!!"  Next was "how can that be??"  It's only been a few months after surgery, and after my surgery it didn't sound very serious.  I put off my chemo because it didn't sound serious.  Now I'm wondering if I killed myself by not taking it seriously.  It doesn't seem right that I could be months away from death, but feel normal. 

My doctor started me on chemo immediately, so I had my first round today.  I got two new chemicals while at the cancer center (all day) and went home with the pump like I had before, with the same 5FU chemical I had before.  I will wear the pump for 2 days, then have a 2 week break, and then do the entire procedure over again, every two weeks, for twelve weeks.  After that, we will repeat the scans and hope that the chemo made a difference. 

Telling my family was the worst part.  Especially Joss.  It breaks my heart to know that she is going to have to suffer the loss of her mom.  I know how much that sucks.  I love her more than anything.  Telling my Dad, Brother, Neil, and Dave sucked too.  I love them and don't want to bring them pain.

I am seeing my surgeon tomorrow, and will beg him to do my reversal now, even though I am currently in chemo, so that the rest of my time I can feel as normal as possible.  I am not sure if he will.  I will also ask him for a referral of an oncologist at Baptist, to get a second opinion on my scan results. 

Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are, but I am the one that is sorry.  I'm sorry that people who care about me will be in pain.  I'm sorry that I didn't take the chemo right away, and could be contributing to that pain.  I'm sorry that my baby will have to lose her mom so young.  I'm sorry that my little precious beautiful grandboy won't get to know me and how much I love him.  I'm not sorry for me.  I'll be fine... I'll be with my Mom, so be happy for me.  I won't have to deal with the upgrade to Windows 7!  I lived my dream!!  I do know, though, that no matter where I go, I will miss my baby girl.

My brother said in passing, something that really struck me --  I don't have to work on dying - that's being handled for me.  I just have to work on living.  So I am going to try my best to let this affect my life as little as possible.  To spend time with my family and loved ones.  To spoil my grandbaby.  To tell people how I feel about them.  To have fun!  To fill my book as much as I can before the pages go blank.

That's all I feel like writing right now.


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