Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'd like to take this moment to bitch

Yeah, this sucks. I have a horrible headache, I’m queasy, and I am having hot flashes. My days and nights are mixed up so I am sleeping all day and up all night, and I’m thirsty and cannot drink. I had forgotten how crappy chemo was during my 3-month break. Plus I’m feeling blah, bored and lonely, yet I keep bailing out on my friends when they try to get me out of the house (sorry gals). My house is a mess and I have no energy to touch it -- not even from the chemo yet, just a certain percentage from my normal laziness and the rest, from feeling down. I’m worried about work, my health, and numerous other things that I can’t really mention (the downside of sharing my journal with the entire world), like specifics about work, my daughter, income/debt, and my dear friend who has this psycho, prison warden roommate that I am not supposed to mention, as it would make said friend’s life harder. I’m not one to be stifled, so this is difficult, and I only oblige because, wel, I love said friend. ;)

I was going to start this post with “I try to stay positive, but…” and then I realized I have been saying that a lot lately, so maybe I really don’t try to stay positive anymore. Not sure why it was so much easier for me up to now but it seems I’m starting to wade in self-pity. Thankfully it’s been low tide.

Things could be so much worse. I try to keep that in mind. I have a lot of blessings, I know that, but some have things so easy. I used to be one of them. I believe strongly in Karma, and cannot imagine what I sent around that has brought this back to me. It doesn’t seem fair. “Life is not fair” would be my Mom’s response. I wonder a lot about if I will see my Mom when my time comes. I mostly believe so, and that makes facing death a WHOLE lot easier. I miss her so painfully, and I still have not gotten over my hatred at the suddenness and finality of death. I hate it with a very ugly, seething hatred that literally changes my expression whenever I think of it.

I know what you’re thinking. My blog used to be fun, and somewhat entertaining. Since I’m in danger of losing my massive “fan base” (all 41 of you fine folks) I’ll work on this.

I have been fortunate to be introduced to some amazing people lately. Friends of a friend who have been more than kind in so many ways, and renewed my belief that there truly are a few genuinely good people in the world. (Thanks N & T!)

I am very eager to get to Maine Thursday and see my family! I miss them. And I am also looking at going to Honduras for 2 weeks between chemo days when I return. I’ve been looking into it and there’s a lot there I would like to experience. Plus it’s cheap! Hotels are like $25 a night. I am looking for hostels or host families though, which would be even cheaper, and more the way I like to travel. I found a host family in Peru for $10 a night, and would LOVE to go there (it’s near Maccu Piccu… did I spell that right?) but the flights to there are outrageous. Of course I still hope above all to get back to Europe for like 2 months, but I’m not sure if that will ever happen for many reasons…one of them being the fact that I am going to be on chemo for the rest of my life and may never get a 2 month break.

I downloaded the movie “The Blind Side” on my netbook and watched it during chemo today. It was really good, except it made me cry practically the whole time. I’ll try to find some funnier ones for next time. ‘Course there were a couple of funny moments in it, and I wondered if the other patients thought perhaps I had gone mad sitting there in the chemo chair (with headphones) suddenly bursting out into laughter.

Tomorrow’s agenda: Pick up duck food. Poor little "Girl Duck" is sick of crackers, stale bread and ice cream cones. 

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I can't think of a title for this post

Well, “remission” was short lived. I have tumors back in my lungs. My liver is good right now, but my doctor said the lungs are worse than before, and she is starting me back on chemo Monday. Oh joy. I will not be able to have 3 month breaks anymore; just one month, or possibly two if I do okay on one. That especially sucks because it keeps me stuck here in Greensboro most of the time. I’m fairly determined to get back to Europe though, and am really going to try to make that happen as soon as I get some things worked out.

The bad news is that my doctor now says I probably have about 18 months left. The good news is that she seems to flip-flop a lot so if this round of chemo does good, she’ll probably say I have 3 years again. It’s still hard to believe. That’s such a short time, and I feel good right now (at least until Monday when chemo starts kicking my ass again). I keep bouncing among shock/disbelief to being scared, to being angry, to even feeling a little relieved. It’s tiring dealing with all the back and forth. Plus the thought of chemo alone makes me sick, and now the thought of the rest of my life on chemo is rather depressing.

I am curious about what will happen if the lung tumors don’t shrink from the chemo. Will I have a hard time breathing? Need oxygen? Cough up blood? Just stop breathing one day? I’ve asked my doctor and she doesn’t seem to want to answer me. She just keeps saying “I don’t know” which I find hard to believe. I wonder if I’d rather have the liver tumors back than the lungs. I am rather fond of breathing.

I’m finding it hard to stay as positive as I was several months ago -- partly because it’s just darn tiring. I’m out of work for the next two weeks for chemo and then for a visit to Maine to see my Dad and Diane, so I’m hoping that time will get me back in balance. I can’t wait to see them!!! They got a new puppy and some bunnies that I am eager to meet too. I will be sure to blog about them and post some pictures. It’s very pretty where they live, and peaceful. It will do me good.

I was supposed to go to West Virginia with Lulu this weekend, but decided not to because I’ve been a bit depressed. I’m kinda wishing I had gone because I know it’s better to push myself to do thing, and also because I would have had a blast with Lu.

The J’s and I went out today to get some supplies for James’ upcoming birthday party. I can’t believe my little grandboy is gonna be one soon. It’s always really nice seeing them, but today I found myself extra happy to be around James. I wanted to hold him more and such. He’s such a joy. Joss had on a summer dress she just bought and she looked beautiful. We got some stuff for the party, and then went back to Jocilyn’s house and put together goodie bags for the party. I cannot think of any way I would rather have spent the day.

James amazes me.  He's starting to get interactive now.  It's amazing to see how his little mind works and how he learns.  Now if he does something that makes you laugh, he will do it again.  Even minutes later, he'll remember and do it again.  He is also matching things.  Joss says he will dig in his toys for a particular type of block, and then dig again until he finds the other one.  And if you play with him, like tickle his feet, he'll laugh and then put up his foot for you to do it again.  I know these things sound simple, but it just amazes me to see his little brain grow like that.  Plus I'm easily amused.

I got James another birthday present today too. It’s one of those pop-up play tent things, but it’s a spaceship. It says on the front “Fits 2 astronauts.” I think he’ll really like crawling around in it and taking off to the moon. I’m also going to get him some pants. He wears little pants. It cracks me up. To cover those little chunky legs and that little butt. I love it.

I will probably go back to blogging a little more often than I had been, since I’ll be out of work a lot more, and also have long chemo days coming up. I’m usually there for 6 hours, and rarely get one of the private cubicles that has a TV. I am usually in the common room, which is rather depressing. It’s a large room with like 20 chairs. The nurses try to make it as comfortable as possible, offering drinks, pillows and magazines, but it’s long, boring, and reeks of illness. It’s a good place to nap though… the chairs are rather comfortable and there’s not much better to do. I think I’ll bring a coloring book this time.

That’s all for now. Hug someone today!

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