Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'd like to take this moment to bitch

Yeah, this sucks. I have a horrible headache, I’m queasy, and I am having hot flashes. My days and nights are mixed up so I am sleeping all day and up all night, and I’m thirsty and cannot drink. I had forgotten how crappy chemo was during my 3-month break. Plus I’m feeling blah, bored and lonely, yet I keep bailing out on my friends when they try to get me out of the house (sorry gals). My house is a mess and I have no energy to touch it -- not even from the chemo yet, just a certain percentage from my normal laziness and the rest, from feeling down. I’m worried about work, my health, and numerous other things that I can’t really mention (the downside of sharing my journal with the entire world), like specifics about work, my daughter, income/debt, and my dear friend who has this psycho, prison warden roommate that I am not supposed to mention, as it would make said friend’s life harder. I’m not one to be stifled, so this is difficult, and I only oblige because, wel, I love said friend. ;)

I was going to start this post with “I try to stay positive, but…” and then I realized I have been saying that a lot lately, so maybe I really don’t try to stay positive anymore. Not sure why it was so much easier for me up to now but it seems I’m starting to wade in self-pity. Thankfully it’s been low tide.

Things could be so much worse. I try to keep that in mind. I have a lot of blessings, I know that, but some have things so easy. I used to be one of them. I believe strongly in Karma, and cannot imagine what I sent around that has brought this back to me. It doesn’t seem fair. “Life is not fair” would be my Mom’s response. I wonder a lot about if I will see my Mom when my time comes. I mostly believe so, and that makes facing death a WHOLE lot easier. I miss her so painfully, and I still have not gotten over my hatred at the suddenness and finality of death. I hate it with a very ugly, seething hatred that literally changes my expression whenever I think of it.

I know what you’re thinking. My blog used to be fun, and somewhat entertaining. Since I’m in danger of losing my massive “fan base” (all 41 of you fine folks) I’ll work on this.

I have been fortunate to be introduced to some amazing people lately. Friends of a friend who have been more than kind in so many ways, and renewed my belief that there truly are a few genuinely good people in the world. (Thanks N & T!)

I am very eager to get to Maine Thursday and see my family! I miss them. And I am also looking at going to Honduras for 2 weeks between chemo days when I return. I’ve been looking into it and there’s a lot there I would like to experience. Plus it’s cheap! Hotels are like $25 a night. I am looking for hostels or host families though, which would be even cheaper, and more the way I like to travel. I found a host family in Peru for $10 a night, and would LOVE to go there (it’s near Maccu Piccu… did I spell that right?) but the flights to there are outrageous. Of course I still hope above all to get back to Europe for like 2 months, but I’m not sure if that will ever happen for many reasons…one of them being the fact that I am going to be on chemo for the rest of my life and may never get a 2 month break.

I downloaded the movie “The Blind Side” on my netbook and watched it during chemo today. It was really good, except it made me cry practically the whole time. I’ll try to find some funnier ones for next time. ‘Course there were a couple of funny moments in it, and I wondered if the other patients thought perhaps I had gone mad sitting there in the chemo chair (with headphones) suddenly bursting out into laughter.

Tomorrow’s agenda: Pick up duck food. Poor little "Girl Duck" is sick of crackers, stale bread and ice cream cones. 

1 comment:

  1. I would hope this post is for you as well as us. A place for you to vent. I don't care if your post is fun or funny. You make me think about what is really important in life. I thank you for sharing even when it is hard for you. I always love to hear from you.
    Chin up lady. People love and think of you everyday.



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