My Life In Bytes

Revisiting an old thought

2011-02-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. It's been a long time since I've thought of anything I thought was post-worthy, and the past few months have been rough. I am feeling much better now, and so I am back.

Between cancer, chemo, menopause, and aging in general, I've noticed a lot of changes. My skin is wrinkling, my hair dry, crispy and breaking. I've developed crow's feet, age spots, dry skin, etc. For the past month or so I've been fighting these things with a vengence. Retinol, hair treatments, eyelash-growing serums, and an obsession with user forums with tips to arm me for this war. I've crushed up asprin to create facials, squeezed lemons, experimented with glycerin and learned makeup tips for "older eyes." I've spent countless hours reading product reviews, home remedies, and slathering various products on my face. I've learned what "milia" is, what causes it, and how to fight it. I've learned that years of bad habits (going to bed without removing makeup, brushing my teeth too hard thinking it would get them extra clean, etc.) are catching up to me. I've exfoliated, peeled, and spent more money than I should have on "age-defying" products. I think, perhaps, maybe, my wrinkles may be slightly, a little bit, possibly, less noticeable than they were; it's probably all in my head.

Tonight I began thinking about a post I wrote a while back about aging. I preached how we should embrace each wrinkle and gray hair... how each one is a representative of years we were given and experiences we were blessed with. Tonight I wondered what happened to that attitude. Then I realized I do still feel that way. I am proud of my age and will tell anyone who asks I am 42 (of course their response of disbelief probably helps). I hope to say someday that I am 45. Then 50, 52, 55... I am grateful that I am aging. That doesn't mean I can't try to do things to look my best: looking good and feeling good go hand-in-hand. It only means that I accept that I will never look 20 again. I am not 20. I am wiser, stronger, more experienced, calmer, and where I am supposed to be. Every age has its benefits.

While I'll try to keep my crow's feet at bay, I'll remember that I got them from all the beautiful, bright, sunny days I've been able to enjoy. I'll try to hide my laugh lines as best as I can, but will also know that they came from years filled with joy and hysterical laughter. I'll slather numerous products on my lips trying to fight those tiny lines around them, but will keep in mind that they got there from my often-present smile. I'll do what I can to my hair and lashes to counteract the effects of chemo, but will also appreciate the extra time that chemo is giving me. I don't have frown lines to fight, and never will.

Tonight I concluded that I'm trying to grow old gracefully; I am hoping to grow old.

Back in the hospital

2010-10-11T16:55:00.000-04:00

Wow! Almost two months with no blog entries at all. Let me catch you up. First off, I am currently in the hospital again. I was having such a hard time breathing that my doctor ordered a CT scan which revealed fluid in my lung and around my heart. I had the lung fluid drained this morning (750 ml) and then this afternoon's heart sonogram revealed that the heart fluid was stressing my heart so my doctor decided to admit me. They will remove the heart fluid tomorrow and then do something to help prevent the lung fluid from coming back. Also my chemo will be reevaluated as there has been some growth in the lung tumors. My doctor has told me not to plan any travel for a while.

Luckily I did get up to Maine recently, and then down to Florida. Both trips were great. The weather in Maine was beautiful, and it was great seeing my dad and Diane. Florida weather was not very good but Joss and James came with me and we had a wonderful time.

It's been a rather boring few months so that's all I really have to report.

This just in

2010-08-06T16:44:00.000-04:00

Joss reports that James said "basket" the other day. He has apparently inherited my intelligence, tackling two-syllable words first. He asked what it was and Joss told him. He repeated "basket" and then put the basket on his arm and walked around the room putting things in it.

On a much sadder note, my son-in-law, Dominick, lost his grandfather this week. He was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. Here is the news article:

----------
SOPHIA, N.C. (WGHP) - A 57-year-old was killed in a motorcycle accident near Sophia on Wednesday afternoon.

According to the Highway Patrol, the accident happened around 5 p.m. on Level Plains Road near Mount Gilead Church Road.

Troopers said Michael Carroll Lewis, 57, of 4161 Mt. Gilead Church Road, was headed west on Mount Gilead Church Road when he was struck by a Ford Explorer.

Lewis died in the accident.

Investigators said 17-year-old Casie Baker, of 4600 Pliney Farlow Road, Trinity, was driving the Ford Explorer north on Level Plains Road when she struck the motorcycle.

Troopers said Baker is charged with failure to yield right of way and misdemeanor death by motor vehicle. Baker told investigators she looked before pulled onto the road but did not see the motorcycle.

Investigators said neither alcohol nor cell phones were a factor in the accident.
------------

Please keep Dominick and his family in your thoughts.

Update

2010-08-05T07:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I have been in Greensboro for several weeks in a row now. I am definitely getting antsy but mostly because, I have recently realized, I have been traveling so much to escape what I am facing. Running away in a sense. Is that bad though? What is the harm in avoiding thinking about things?

When I found out I would be going in a pill form of chemotherapy for a few months, I had considered going back to Europe, it may be my last chance to. I decided against it and it is probably a good thing that I did since I ended up in the hospital last week. But now I am really wishing I were there.

My hospital visit lasted 5 days. I had a lot of swelling in my face and neck, and could not breathe well. I went to the emergency room at 3 am Tuesday because I thought it was congestive heart failure. Turned out I have a blood clot around the port that was implanted for chemo. The port goes into my heart but the risk was that the blood clot would reach my lungs, not heart. I don't really understand this, but whatever. They took the port out and put me on blood thinners.

I have not started the chemo that I was supposed to start last week because of the blood clot incident. Now my doctor wants to wait until the blood thinner level is regulated properly before starting me on it. This concerns me a bit because this means at least seven weeks off of chemo, and last time I went twelve weeks, tumors came back pretty bad.

In other news, James is becoming quite the clown. He does this silly thing where he puts his head on the floor and crawls around smiling. Every few seconds he looks up and laughs, and then puts his head back down and does it again. I don't know what the heck that kid is thinking but it is so funny. He has also learned to say "that" and points to EVERYTHING and says "that."

That's it for now.

Gently...

2010-06-25T04:53:00.003-04:00

Why is it OK to hurt people? I think the intuitive response for most is “it’s not.” But how true is that? I thought at one time that we are never supposed to hurt anyone. That if life came with a rule book, that would be Rule #1. Yet it is not possible to never cause anyone pain. I would imagine that certain, more spiritual, deeply religious, or Zen societies strive to never cause pain, but even Jesus certainly hurt people. Leaving behind people who loved him to move on and do what he was meant to do surely caused pain to many. Is it ok to hurt people if your intentions are good? Regardless of intent or reasoning, pain is still pain.

If, perhaps, we are supposed to endure pain ourselves rather than hurting others, how far should we go with that? Where would we draw the line? Should someone stay in an abusive relationship because it would hurt the other person to be left? I guess this would never even happen if we all lived by the same rules of conduct, but we don’t. How much responsibility, then, should one take on? Do we have more responsibility to endure more pain ourselves just because we’ve considered this topic? That hardly seems fair. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

There are so many levels of hurt, and so very many situations that are hurtful. We can hurt someone’s feelings simply by saying something that they take differently than it was meant, or by, say, leaving them out of plans for one reason or another. We are hurtful through misunderstandings, and by having different needs. We hurt others by making choices that do not necessarily coincide with what someone else may want. We hurt others out of anger, retaliation, fear, need, desire, hate, and love. I’d venture to say that there is not a single emotion which has not at times caused pain. We are social creatures, yet it seems the only way to try to avoid hurting people would be to remove yourself from society -- never develop relationships, and never even speak to others. Yet if we were to do that, that act alone would hurt those who love us and are left abandoned. We simply cannot escape hurting others.

Obviously we are meant to hurt others at times. It seems cruel and wrong, but it must be so, and there must be a reason for this. We learn a lot by being hurt. Our personalities probably develop more so based on our emotional injuries than on any other experiences. Our painful life lessons are a huge contributor in how we develop and what choices we make further along our path. Is there a black and white answer to what is acceptable to do to others and what is not, or is that line within each of us? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what is truly right, and the thought that keeps entering my mind is “tread gently.” I know there will be situations when I will hurt someone. I think the best way to handle these situations is thoughtfully and empathetically. I don’t always do that. I think most of the times I’ve been hurtful, it’s been a quick, knee-jerk reaction where I just don’t reflect on all perspectives of a situation before I act. There are times when someone pisses me off and I react by saying hurtful things; at these times I need to let go of anger, as it doesn’t benefit anyone. There are times when I hurt others just because I don’t think about how they would feel; I need to reflect more often on how I would feel in other peoples’ shoes. And there are times when I hurt others because I have to do what is right or best; these times I need to handle carefully and with forethought.

Alas, we cannot avoid causing others pain always, but we can at times avoid it, learn from it, or do so more gently.

People, Meet Chemo

2010-06-17T06:33:00.003-04:00

Another chemo day, so again I am up all night. Maybe chemo nights will be the only times I get around to blogging. I’ve learned a lot about my chemo the past few weeks, and how it’s affecting me. A lot of things that I thought were happening just because I’m getting older, are actually side effects of chemo.

My eyes have changed color from dark brown to light brown
My eyesight is getting worse
My eyes water a lot (very messy if I don’t use waterproof eyeliner)
My eyelashes have gotten super short, thin and brittle
My hair has thinned significantly and changed to the consistency of thin straw
My mouth is so sensitive that I have to use non-minty toothpaste (this really sucks!)
I cannot eat or drink anything even remotely cold and sometimes even room temperature is too cold, so I am unquenchably thirsty every other week (this is by FAR the worst of the side effects)
Foods that are too hot, or too cold hurt my mouth
I tan very easily (bonus) but it fades very quickly (bummer)
My hands and feet are very sensitive to pain
My toenails will split and practically fall off with the slightest stub
I have hot flashes and night sweats daily
If I walk barefoot in my house I get pins in my feet but if I put socks on, I get hot flashes
I’ve been forced into premature menopause, and all the joy that goes along with that
My feet hurt
My arms and legs often ache (this one is not actually from the chemo but from the shot I get after every chemo to up my white blood cell production)
I sometimes get so weak walking even short distances, that I have to sit down and rest
I get extreme headaches and eyeball aches that no drugs will touch
I have learned that there is an extreme difference between queasiness and nausea. I teeter between both of them – most often queasiness
I severely crave carbs: bread, pastry, pasta, bagels, potatoes, oatmeal. On chemo weeks, that’s about all I eat

I had a port implanted in my chest last year that they use to give me the chemo. They push a needle that is about an inch long into it. That is not fun. Then they pull on the syringe at the end of a tube that is connected to me to see if they get blood, meaning that it’s in right. This grosses me out so I don’t look. Then they “flush” the port by pushing into it, a syringe of saline. I hate that part. It’s disgusting. I can’t really distinguish if it’s a taste or a smell that it causes, but I try to keep some gum in my mouth and when they flush I chew it fast to try to avoid it. Next they hang a plethora of bags from my IV pole and start pumping them in through the newly-accessed port. At the end, about 4-5 hours later, I get a “push” (a huge syringe full) of one of the chemicals called 5-FU. I kinda like the name of it. When I leave the cancer center, I have a pump tethered to my port, which pumps 5-FU for the next two days. On Friday afternoons, I go back to get the pump removed, and get a shot of Nulastin, which will increase white blood cell production. They do this because chemo will severely lower immunities. It’s a very thick shot that I get in my upper arm and it hurts. It’s a relief walking out of there on Fridays without the pump though. Unplugged. I do this every two weeks, forever. I may get an occasional one-month break, which basically means skipping one treatment, but for the most part, I will do this for the rest of my life.

I still get queasy at the mere thought of chemo, and whenever I walk into the Cancer Center. It’s disgusting and depressing. One day my little sister Al came with me on a Friday for pump removal, and found the atmosphere so sad that she immediately had to leave and waited outside for me. I try to look at it from different perspectives, but it rarely helps. At first I would concentrate on visuals of the chemo battling to kill the tumors. This helped make it less gross for a day or two but soon stopped working. I tried looking at chemo days as my “job” that I have to do so that I get to travel on my good weeks. This didn’t really work either though. I bring all kinds of stuff with me: blanket and slippers, computer, movies, games, books, crayons. I get comfy, chat with friends, and even had a pizza delivered today. It helps the time go by, but does not distract me from the fact that some seriously nasty poison is being pumped into me for about 5 hours, and will make me sick for about 5 days. As the day goes on, I can immediately start feeling the effects: cold sensitivity, queasiness, and a cloudy-headedness. I start dreading chemo Wednesday on the preceding Monday. I hate it.

On a brighter note, I leave Saturday for Cancun. I will be there through the next Friday the 25th. I will then be home in Greensboro for a week for chemo, and then leave again on July 3 for a 7-day cruise with my girlfriend Cynthia to Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Belize, and Honduras! Can I get a "hell yeah!"? Cyn is awesome and super fun so it’s really going to be an amazing trip, AND... this gives me a reason to wear some of my more formal dresses that I never get to wear. I should try to find a tiara! Or a boa! Yeah!!! Joss and I were going to play dress-up that way on our January cruise but we never got around to getting them.

After the cruise I am home again for another chemo week, and who knows after that. Soon I am planning to get back up to Maine to see my Dad and Diane, to P-town (MA) to see my sister Christine, back down to Florida to hang out with Neil, Al, and Don & Jeannie, and also to some more local beaches. My doctor says I look well rested, and she is glad I am not working and am traveling and visiting family. It’s funny that one week I feel so crappy and the next I feel pretty good and am able to get away. I am not sure how long that will last, so I am trying to cram as much living in now, before I get to the point where I cannot. Usually the first few days I am away are not great because they are so close to chemo day, and I just rest a lot, but by the Monday after chemo I start feeling better. I know that’s it’s made a huge difference in my attitude, sense of serenity, and health to be able to relax with family, hang out poolside, or on the beach, and just not worry about anything. I tend to totally forget about cancer when I am away from Greensboro. Maybe that’s why I never stay here that long. I have stopped checking my work emails several times a day like I was, because it stresses me out so much. Everything seems to be under control without me anyway. I really just want peace at this point. Peace… but adventure!

I know I still owe blogs about Florida and Philly, but this is what was on my mind right now. Hope to get the others down at some point, but, let's face it... I may never. I will at least put up the pics of James and Oliver buried on the beach up to their necks. Priceless!

(here is a link to the Florida pics on my facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2038593&id=1365674995&l=e882acd35d)

Enjoy every day!
Go home by 6:00... don't let work be your life.
Spend time with your family and tell them you love them. They won't always be there.
Plan a vacation, or even a day trip.
DO FUN STUFF!!! You will NEVER regret it, but you will regret it if you don't.

I love you all.

News From Philly

2010-06-03T05:38:00.001-04:00

After a rather entertaining hold up at the airport which resulted in my trading a half full 4 oz bottle of baby oil for a personalized TSA report, I arrived in Philly. The Center, CTCA, met me with a limo, and a chauffeur holding a sign with my name. (I always wanted to get picked up that way.) He took me to CTCA and I started my day there with lunch before my appointments, which started at 1:00.

I was directed to the dining room where I could choose, buffet style, anything I wanted for free. I have been on cruises with worse food than CTCA. The food is amazing!! Plus everything is nutritionally enhanced and geared towards helping the issues that cancer patients face. I had an organic, sugar free lemonade, some gilled tofu and vegetables thing, olives and peppers from small olive bar, some other yummy grilled vegetable thing, potatoes in like a casserole, bowtie pasta with feta, and a chocolate-cream cheese cupcake.

After lunch I started appointments. I met with a nutritionist and a naturalist. Both asked about what side effects I suffer and such, so that they could offer me suggestions on foods and supplements to help. I met with nurse who verified my cancer history and asked about more side effects. Apparently some things I’ve been experiencing are from chemo and I had no clue. They address everything here, on a very personal level, and try to make everything better, not just treat your cancer.

Next I met with my doctor, Dr. Klimant (Kle-MONT) who is from Germany. He told me a few things different from my oncologist back home (Dr. Odogwu). First thing, which I was glad to hear, is that one of my current chemos, Oxolyplatin, or something like that, which is the one I hate the most because it gives me the problems with cold, would only be given to me for a total of 12 treatments (tomorrow’s is #10) and then never again because it’s found to be ineffective after that. This is very encouraging as it would make remaining on chemo far less uncomfortable. I am not sure if Dr. Odogwu had that same plan because she is vague and limited in what she tells me, and mentioned just staying on this regiment until it stopped working. Mostly what I hear from her is “I don’t know” and “we will see.”

I also asked Dr. Klimant about my expected time left. Although they are very hesitant here at CTCA to put a time on anyone (they are quite against that) I asked, statistically speaking, what he’d expect and he said that he would guess that I’m likely to have between 1 and 2 years. He said I am not a candidate for directed radiation since my tumors are so splattered, but may potentially be, down the road, for some other type of chemo or something that unfortunately I’ve forgotten all of the details about except that it has something to do with genetic testing they are doing. I was rather bombarded with information. He also said that the other 3 of my 4 current chemos, I would stay on for a while. Lastly, we talked about my desire to spend a month or so in Europe, and he said he could definitely work that in. Overall he is much more optimistic and informative than Dr. Odogwu.

While two years may not seem overly optimistic, it’s twice as long as one year. It means seeing James turn 3, and hearing him call me Gramommy. It means several more visits to my Dad and Diane in Maine, and several more visits to Don, Neil and Al in Florida. An extra birthday and an extra Christmas. More stamps in my passport. Two is definitely better than one.

Today I had my chemo. The infusion room here is so much better than home. The center at home is dreary and sad. Here it’s bright and happy with TVs for everyone and snacks all around. The patients even talk to each other and laugh. At home they just sleep. Here they bring you a menu to order the amazing food from the dining room, and bring it t you. At home you can have a half of sandwich with a slice of turkey on it, or cheese and crackers, both of which are cold so you better get them before the Oxolyplatin. Here they give you many more pre-meds to avoid nausea and neuropathy, and they tell you everything you get and what it’s for. At home I get a mystery mix with some steroid for nausea, and I think that's it but I am not sure. And here everyone comes to you for tests, information, or just to check on you. At home they sent you here and there to get this test, pick up those results, bring them to this doctor, etc. Everything is easy and pleasant here.

I have the option to move my treatment here, and am considering it, but there are a few things I need to think about. First, travelling every two weeks could get old. Although I do like travelling and it seems as though there is some fun stuff to see in Philly. And while CTCA pays for flights and feeds me delicious foods, the hotel is still $45 a night on return trips and 8 nights a month of that is not really feasible. You’d think that since they cover everything else, they would cover that too. I am meeting with a financial counselor tomorrow so maybe they will have an alternative.

Oh, the center also offers free massage and reiki. I tried to get a massage scheduled but they were full and were going to call me if they can get me in Thursday or Friday. And the dining room will make fresh juices with whatever you want, smoothies, and soy shakes! They keep warm drinks on hand for those of us on Oxolyplatin. They give you ginger candies to take for nausea, and they work so well I was able to do the Pat’s vs. Geno’s challenge tonight….steak and cheese on a chemo night!! (Blog on that to follow soon.)

Tomorrow/today (Thursday) I have a free day and plan to look around and play in Philly. Or may just stay in this bed for half the day, as it’s super nice and I’ve been up all night. It’s a sleep number bed and I’ve found it to be even more comfortable tonight than last night. I have more blogs to write so check back.

Yo quero Santo Domingo!

2010-05-19T16:22:00.002-04:00

I just came back from the Dominican Republic. Specifically, Boca Chica, which is a nice little beach town on the other side of the airport from Santo Domingo. Jet Blue had a flight deal, so I booked it Monday, and left Wednesday. I just got home last night.

Had a great time there, but did not take many pictures. Since most of my time was spent on the beach and snorkeling, and my camera does not take pictures underwater, I did not have a lot of photo opportunities. I wish I could take pictures under water because I saw some amazing fish and these jelly fish like plant thingys that are beautiful but sting if you touch them. And I did. Not on purpose, of course, but when swimming near the coral reef, in very shallow water, and not realizing the wiggle things next to me were stingies, I brushed against them and got affected ("stung" is not really the right word) on my arm and thigh. One of the locals told me to put vinegar on it, but the bar didn't have any. They did, however, have tequila. I drank a bunch of margaritas in a short amount of time, and was proud of myself for finding a solution to the stinging pain, until I woke up sunburned and realized I had passed out in the sun.

I stumbled to the shade (it was a pitiful sight) and slept off the rest of my stupor and then went back to my room for the night. Now, however, the sting is gone, and the red has turned brown so I got a nice tan out of the ordeal. Gotta love Italian genes.

I found the town of Boca Chica to be very charming, though very poor. There are a lot of orphaned kids around sleeping on benches and the like. It's very sad. But the people there are super nice and welcoming, and I made several friends who told me of life there in the Dominican Republic.

I stayed at a cheap "all inclusive" hotel, and found that "all inclusive" does not include soap, washcloths, a remote control, or room cleaning. The food was borderline bad, and being that I am really not picky, that's pretty bad. I was able to find something edible at each meal, and supplemented the rest with free but tiny margaritas. The one time I had a great, sizable drink, was when I went to the bar and found it unattended. After waiting a few minutes I went behind the bar and put my mixology skills to the test, filling my water bottle with margarita ingredients. The bar keep came back just in time to give me a dirty look and hear my
heart-felt "gracias!

I did take a couple of pictures, and will post them as soon as I get settled and get them off my camera. I still have pictures from James' birthday party that I need to download from the camera too.

I am sitting in chemo right now, and just booked a flight to Cancun for June 19. Can't wait for that! Before that trip, though, I will be going to the cancer center in Philly, and taking a drive down to Florida with Joss and James to see my family. I am also considering a local beach trip, to help me keep the bronze goddess look I've recently acquired, and am still looking into Honduras and Puerto Rico. I'd like to stay with host families at those places, so if you know anyone there that would like to host an American, please let me know. I am also considering attending a Spanish school in Honduras for a week. You stay with a host family, get one-on-one lessons each day, and they show you around and introduce you to the culture. It's like $250 a week for all that, and they feed you too! I was able to stumble through some conversations in the DR with my limited Spanish, and found myself wishing I knew more.

Of course I am still hoping to get back to Europe soon, but still don't know if that can happen. Will keep you all updated. Go somewhere soon!!! It seriously makes life so much more fun.

What you are about to read is a true story

2010-05-02T22:32:00.000-04:00

Returning to Greensboro inspired by the peace and beauty at my Dad's place in Maine, I decided to take on some projects in the yard. I will pause here for you to compose yourself, and re-read the last sentence in disbelief.

It's true... I did yard work. Busted my ass too! I've got pictures and a body full of scratches to prove it. I don't know where this energy came from, but I spent the past four days on this project. I am now sore everywhere and exhausted, but I hope to get motivated to do someting in the back yard next, before it gets too hot. Well, it's kinda already too hot.

So here we go:

Before

After

Before (yeah, I know it's bad)

After:

I've still got some work to do, but I'm happy that it looks so much better.

Oh, and while working, I found this:

I tried not to trim too close to it, but I have not seen mama bird back since I cut near it :( I hope it's OK.

I'd like to take this moment to bitch

2010-04-20T00:01:00.003-04:00

Yeah, this sucks. I have a horrible headache, I’m queasy, and I am having hot flashes. My days and nights are mixed up so I am sleeping all day and up all night, and I’m thirsty and cannot drink. I had forgotten how crappy chemo was during my 3-month break. Plus I’m feeling blah, bored and lonely, yet I keep bailing out on my friends when they try to get me out of the house (sorry gals). My house is a mess and I have no energy to touch it -- not even from the chemo yet, just a certain percentage from my normal laziness and the rest, from feeling down. I’m worried about work, my health, and numerous other things that I can’t really mention (the downside of sharing my journal with the entire world), like specifics about work, my daughter, income/debt, and my dear friend who has this psycho, prison warden roommate that I am not supposed to mention, as it would make said friend’s life harder. I’m not one to be stifled, so this is difficult, and I only oblige because, wel, I love said friend. ;)

I was going to start this post with “I try to stay positive, but…” and then I realized I have been saying that a lot lately, so maybe I really don’t try to stay positive anymore. Not sure why it was so much easier for me up to now but it seems I’m starting to wade in self-pity. Thankfully it’s been low tide.

Things could be so much worse. I try to keep that in mind. I have a lot of blessings, I know that, but some have things so easy. I used to be one of them. I believe strongly in Karma, and cannot imagine what I sent around that has brought this back to me. It doesn’t seem fair. “Life is not fair” would be my Mom’s response. I wonder a lot about if I will see my Mom when my time comes. I mostly believe so, and that makes facing death a WHOLE lot easier. I miss her so painfully, and I still have not gotten over my hatred at the suddenness and finality of death. I hate it with a very ugly, seething hatred that literally changes my expression whenever I think of it.

I know what you’re thinking. My blog used to be fun, and somewhat entertaining. Since I’m in danger of losing my massive “fan base” (all 41 of you fine folks) I’ll work on this.

I have been fortunate to be introduced to some amazing people lately. Friends of a friend who have been more than kind in so many ways, and renewed my belief that there truly are a few genuinely good people in the world. (Thanks N & T!)

I am very eager to get to Maine Thursday and see my family! I miss them. And I am also looking at going to Honduras for 2 weeks between chemo days when I return. I’ve been looking into it and there’s a lot there I would like to experience. Plus it’s cheap! Hotels are like $25 a night. I am looking for hostels or host families though, which would be even cheaper, and more the way I like to travel. I found a host family in Peru for $10 a night, and would LOVE to go there (it’s near Maccu Piccu… did I spell that right?) but the flights to there are outrageous. Of course I still hope above all to get back to Europe for like 2 months, but I’m not sure if that will ever happen for many reasons…one of them being the fact that I am going to be on chemo for the rest of my life and may never get a 2 month break.

I downloaded the movie “The Blind Side” on my netbook and watched it during chemo today. It was really good, except it made me cry practically the whole time. I’ll try to find some funnier ones for next time. ‘Course there were a couple of funny moments in it, and I wondered if the other patients thought perhaps I had gone mad sitting there in the chemo chair (with headphones) suddenly bursting out into laughter.

Tomorrow’s agenda: Pick up duck food. Poor little "Girl Duck" is sick of crackers, stale bread and ice cream cones.

I can't think of a title for this post

2010-04-18T02:09:00.002-04:00

Well, “remission” was short lived. I have tumors back in my lungs. My liver is good right now, but my doctor said the lungs are worse than before, and she is starting me back on chemo Monday. Oh joy. I will not be able to have 3 month breaks anymore; just one month, or possibly two if I do okay on one. That especially sucks because it keeps me stuck here in Greensboro most of the time. I’m fairly determined to get back to Europe though, and am really going to try to make that happen as soon as I get some things worked out.

The bad news is that my doctor now says I probably have about 18 months left. The good news is that she seems to flip-flop a lot so if this round of chemo does good, she’ll probably say I have 3 years again. It’s still hard to believe. That’s such a short time, and I feel good right now (at least until Monday when chemo starts kicking my ass again). I keep bouncing among shock/disbelief to being scared, to being angry, to even feeling a little relieved. It’s tiring dealing with all the back and forth. Plus the thought of chemo alone makes me sick, and now the thought of the rest of my life on chemo is rather depressing.

I am curious about what will happen if the lung tumors don’t shrink from the chemo. Will I have a hard time breathing? Need oxygen? Cough up blood? Just stop breathing one day? I’ve asked my doctor and she doesn’t seem to want to answer me. She just keeps saying “I don’t know” which I find hard to believe. I wonder if I’d rather have the liver tumors back than the lungs. I am rather fond of breathing.

I’m finding it hard to stay as positive as I was several months ago -- partly because it’s just darn tiring. I’m out of work for the next two weeks for chemo and then for a visit to Maine to see my Dad and Diane, so I’m hoping that time will get me back in balance. I can’t wait to see them!!! They got a new puppy and some bunnies that I am eager to meet too. I will be sure to blog about them and post some pictures. It’s very pretty where they live, and peaceful. It will do me good.

I was supposed to go to West Virginia with Lulu this weekend, but decided not to because I’ve been a bit depressed. I’m kinda wishing I had gone because I know it’s better to push myself to do thing, and also because I would have had a blast with Lu.

The J’s and I went out today to get some supplies for James’ upcoming birthday party. I can’t believe my little grandboy is gonna be one soon. It’s always really nice seeing them, but today I found myself extra happy to be around James. I wanted to hold him more and such. He’s such a joy. Joss had on a summer dress she just bought and she looked beautiful. We got some stuff for the party, and then went back to Jocilyn’s house and put together goodie bags for the party. I cannot think of any way I would rather have spent the day.

James amazes me. He's starting to get interactive now. It's amazing to see how his little mind works and how he learns. Now if he does something that makes you laugh, he will do it again. Even minutes later, he'll remember and do it again. He is also matching things. Joss says he will dig in his toys for a particular type of block, and then dig again until he finds the other one. And if you play with him, like tickle his feet, he'll laugh and then put up his foot for you to do it again. I know these things sound simple, but it just amazes me to see his little brain grow like that. Plus I'm easily amused.

I got James another birthday present today too. It’s one of those pop-up play tent things, but it’s a spaceship. It says on the front “Fits 2 astronauts.” I think he’ll really like crawling around in it and taking off to the moon. I’m also going to get him some pants. He wears little pants. It cracks me up. To cover those little chunky legs and that little butt. I love it.

I will probably go back to blogging a little more often than I had been, since I’ll be out of work a lot more, and also have long chemo days coming up. I’m usually there for 6 hours, and rarely get one of the private cubicles that has a TV. I am usually in the common room, which is rather depressing. It’s a large room with like 20 chairs. The nurses try to make it as comfortable as possible, offering drinks, pillows and magazines, but it’s long, boring, and reeks of illness. It’s a good place to nap though… the chairs are rather comfortable and there’s not much better to do. I think I’ll bring a coloring book this time.

That’s all for now. Hug someone today!

Yeah, I'm still here...

2010-03-13T12:10:00.000-05:00

Not a whole lot of fun going on lately, so my posts have been few and far between. I did, however, finally have my reversal surgery, and am healing up very well. I went in the hospital on a Wednesday, was sneaking down to the cafeteria by Friday, came home on Saturday, and was at work on Tuesday.

The rollout of new computers at work is going well, and I hope to be done within a month. The project has kept me quite busy since returning to work, so I've hardly seen the J's at all in the past two weeks. I did, however, catch a glipse of James standing on his own, while the kids were over last weekend. It was the cutest thing; he looked like an old man in his stance. Joss reports that the whole household was sick last week, but they all seem to be better now.

I am very eager to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie, and hope to do that this weekend, or early in the week. Anyone wanna join me?? Seriously - let's have a movie night. That would be fun! Call me...392-6788.

I received sad news from Maine this week. Sadly, my Dad's goat Lucy died. :( There are some pictures of Lucy in my posts from Maine in December. She was sweet and super cute, and my Dad, Diane and I are sad about this. This has been an especially hard few months for my Dad and Diane, as they also had to put down their sweet black dog, Shadow, whom they loved very much. Have a drink for Lucy and Shadow.

Joss made me the most delicous chocolate-mint cake last week! Thanks Joss! It was a little late for "chocolate mint day," which my last post informed you was on February 19, but it was super yummy!

A few other interesting days that are coming up are:

Today - 3/13 National Open An Umbrella Indoors day
3/16 Lips Appreciation day
3/18 Awkward Moments day
3/25 Kick Butts day
3/26 Make Up Your Own Holiday day
3/30 Pencil day
and my favorite: 3/31 National She's Funny That Way day
Be sure to celebrate these, and every day!

Alas, this is what my posts have been reduced to: News of chocolate mint cakes, and random days from a quirky calendar. Might as well throw in my shock at Lily being eliminated from Idol, and mention that I'm hoping for Crystal Bowersox to win. But I promise, betters posts will come. As soon as the work project is done, I plan to take a couple more trips, and will be sure to find something to tell you about.

Even more cruise pics - Jamaica

2010-02-24T19:44:00.000-05:00

Isn't she lovely??

The shelf you may have read about -- at the beginning of our decorating

I absolutely love Jamaica

Trees have toes in Jamaica!!

Dunn's River Falls

sitting in the falls

Isn't she wonderful?

Isn't she precious? :)

I love waterfalls!!!

We seriously did not plan to both make the same cheesy face. I guess we really do look alike.

OK, you KNOW I love you when I share a pic with you where I'm looking so geeky!

The shelf is growing

IT'S BOB!!!!!!!!!

Cruise ship parking lot

More cruise pics- Haiti

2010-02-24T17:59:00.000-05:00

Fall in!!

Two Js

I don't know who these folks are. They posed, so I took a pic

My first and last taste of caviar. Yuck

Security around Haiti

Some nasty bitter thing I picked up from the ground and was told by a local is called something like "almond juice"???

Joss kicked sand in my face

Then she apologized and hugged me

Haitian earthquak relief

Hey!! They said they brought the Haitians "water"

More security around Haiti

What?? is she drinking again??

More coming soon. Well, depending on your definition of "soon." Mine seems a little loose.

Cabin fever!!!

2010-02-24T06:51:00.000-05:00

I gotta get out of Gso. I have been stagnant too long. :(

Boring....

2010-02-19T07:01:00.000-05:00

To avoid the impending threat of losing my fan base to the boredom stemming from my lack of posts and lack of adventures (but mostly because of insomnia) I decided to write something. Anything.

First, next week I should have a date for surgery. I will finally get my long-awaited reversal and am fairly certain a portion of my liver will be removed. Will know for sure after meeting with the liver doctor next week. I have been off chemo for about a month now, and it’s a nice break! Cold drinks ROCK. My doctor is eager to get me back on, and as soon as I am healed enough from surgery, they will start it again. Yuck.

For several months now, I’ve been somewhat consumed with the desire to return to Europe. This time for longer. We are in the last phases of a huge project at work, and when that is completed, I am hoping to find a way to get back there. The majority of my chemo will be in pill form, so I am thinking maybe I could go then (when I am back on chemo) but am not real sure about traveling while nauseas, weak, tired, and not eating. Yet otherwise, if I’m not feeling sick, I am unsure about justifying the time out of work. Except for the fact that my Oncologist actually did order that I keep traveling and doing things (seriously… she did. Does that mean I can deduct travel expenses from my taxes as medical expenses?) and I still do need to pack like 30 or 40 years of experiences into the next 3-5 years… and if I wait until I am too sick to travel, I’ll be… well… too sick to travel. I dunno; I’m really hoping to work this out somehow.

I also have been wanting to get to South America. Peru maybe. Or Ecuador. Or maybe Honduras (is that South or Central?) but Peru is flooded, and I’ve not look at the other destinations enough to decide specifically where I’d want to go. I found this website where you can find host families in lots of other countries. I think I’d like that… staying with a host family, learning their culture, eating their food, and paying like $20 a day. That interests me a lot more than the normal touristy travel type of trip.

Jamie Jame is getting bigger and cuter and smarter. He has just started the phase where he is afraid of strangers. We’ve learned though, that he’s quite gullible and if you give him a toy, he assumes you are trustworthy. He’s getting a little bit more hair, but not much. I swear he’s more of a baldy than my little sister Al was. She didn’t get hair until like… last year-ish.

My alarm is buzzing so I guess I’ll start my day. Have a great one!

Oh... today is "Chocolate Mint day."

Cruise Shenanigans

2010-02-12T19:49:00.001-05:00

Day 1

We boarded the ship, had dinner, and then explored the HUGE ship for hours. Didn't get into too much the first night, but did go out on the deck at night, where it was REALLY windy, since the ship was moving very fast. Joss and I had a ball playing in the strong winds, trying to walk, standing at angles, and practically falling all over the place. It was fun until I tried brushing my hair that night!

Day 2 - Day at sea

We attended an art auction, where they had several pieces by Picasso, and a sketch by Rembrandt!!!! Wish I could have bought one. The auctioneer dude said it would go for around 80k.

Dinner was awesome! It was formal night and Joss and I had fun sauntering around in our pretty dresses. After dinner we attended the Marquis show. They are very talented and we enjoyed it a lot.
We brought a bag of little green plastic army men with us, and have been leaving them around random places. We also used some to decorate our room. It's rather drab.

Day 3 - Haiti

Haiti is beautiful! And hot. We visited "Laberdee." We walked through the market area where we were bombarded by toothless Haitians trying to sell us stuff. There are tons of them and they keep telling you to look at this, look at that. The prices are highly negotiable. I wonder if anyone ever pays the first asking price. I bought a wooden mask for "the wall" at my house, which is a wrought-iron looking free-standing decorative divider/wall thingy that I got at an auction for $15. I hang interesting things on it. Will post a picture of it sometime. The mask was $4.00, but the asking price was like $12.00. Joss and I also got some woven bracelets with beads and stones (3 for $5), and Joss bought a hand-carved turtle for her Dad. Her Dad (Mark) loves turtles, and Joss tries to bring him one from every place she visits.
I rode a sort of roller-coaster that has individual sled-like carts for each person. You have a break handle, and have to make sure you don't bump into the person riding before you by using the break. The track goes really high and the views are stunning, but you can only see it for a second. I didn't use the break much and was laughing and screaming the entire way down.
Joss and I went off the beaten track and found some HUGE shells (will take pics of those too, sometime). Lots of them. The largest one is like maybe 8" long! I've never found such large shells, but always wanted to.
We spent about an hour at the beach. It was so beautiful with it's blue water. Haiti is very mountainous so the views are beautiful. We were so exhausted when we got back to the ship, we both took a nap. When we got up we went to The Crypt (a really cool gothic bar) and did some people-watching. We gave names to some of the people there, like "Jacket" "Wiggle" "Miss Quon" "Douche bag" and "Hookup man." It was fun spotting them again over the next few days.
On the way back to the ship we saw many pallets of relief supplies being loaded onto trucks to go to the earthquake victims. There was quite a lot of it, and a lot of workers loading it. We talked with an apparent American volunteer and learned a little about the relief efforts. It was interesting, and cool to see.

Day 4 - Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Jamaica was my favorite spot!!! It is gorgeous, and the people are so chill and happy. They, as the Haitians, also bombard you with requests to look at their market, ride their cab, let them braid your hair, or sell you drugs, but somehow they are much more likeable when they do it. One of the merchants was named Bob. He was so sweet and showed us how to get to this market we were looking for. I kept saying "Thanks, Bob. Is it this way, Bob? What's that, Bob?" and Joss told me "stop saying 'Bob!'" We liked Bob. Bob was friendly. Bob sold wooden carvings, and I really wanted to buy one because I liked Bob, but he didn't have anything I wanted. I should have got a picture of Bob, but I didn't think of it.
When we were done looking around the market, we decided to go to the Dunn River Falls. The entire time at the market and walking around we were constantly hounded by cabbies to take their cab. When we were finally ready for a cab to go to the falls, I said to Joss "Gee, I wish we could find a cab!" and we were immediately surrounded by like 5 cabbies. We went to the waterfalls and had a great time. First we went off the main path and found that the ground was covered with pretty shells. Not the beach, just the normal ground, where trees grow. It was weird. We collected a lot and then went over to the falls. It was so beautiful. We climbed around on the rocks and played in the water. I used my snorkel mask (yes, I looked very geeky) to look into these kinda caves in the rocks and saw crab houses and all kinds of little critters. Of everything we did and saw on the trip, I loved the falls the best.
We went into a little convenience store to get a drink and the sodas were priced in Jamaican money. We didn't know how much it would be, but we bought two 20 oz sodas and it came to $1.30!! I couldn't believe how cheap! So I gave them $2 U.S. and asked for the $.70 change in Jamaican. Joss got... get this... a Fifty Jamaican dollar bill, and about 3 or 4 coins, to total SEVENTY CENTS.
When we got back to our room on the ship and were washing off the shells we gathered, Joss discovered one was still inhabited by a snail. She named him Bob and ordered him a Caesar salad from room service. She set him up a habitat in the shower, with his salad, and some other shells, and a note to the maid to not move him. We thought he might be OK because he ate some salad and pooped, but he died the next day :( Poor Bob. I like Bob. Bob was a cool snail.
We added the things we bought in Jamaica to the shelf in our room. It's starting to look very nice. We contemplated hanging up a Led Zeppelin poster, but the gift shops didn't have any.
Lastly we had dinner at Johnny Rockets and then hung out in the cool air on the deck for a while.

Day 5 - Grand Cayman

We did a little shopping, got a free rum punch at Hard Rock Café (where I got a picture of Elton John’s glasses, Mick Jagger’s coat, and some other cool stuff).
I went snorkeling at this coral reef area. It’s not a beach, but like stairs down into 4’ water right where the coral reef is. Right there where you get in, there were these two huge fish like 3’ long! They swim right next to you. It was amazing! I spent hours snorkeling and looking at all the beautiful fish of all different colors. I dove for a few shells, but there weren’t many there. This was my second favorite part of the trip. I absolutely loved the snorkeling.
Back at the ship we added a few more things to our shelf, which is now getting quite pretty and brightens up the room. We had lobster for dinner! The evening show featured a huge star! I got to meet him, and even went on the stage and hugged him. I was so excited when I heard he was on the ship, I was constantly looking everywhere for him. Later I got his autograph, and several pictures with him. Are you dying to know who it was??? Ok, are you ready??? It was…BOWZER!!!! Yes, seriously! (For all of you who are under 40, Bowzer starred in the very popular 80’s TV show, “Sha Na Na.” It was a very exciting evening.

Day 6 – Cozumel, Mexico

Holy crap it’s hot in Mexico! Also, the police carry machine guns. We had Mexican food (there they just call it “food”) at a placed called Tiki Tok. I had a burrito and Joss had nachos.
Joss bought a beautiful chess set and a set of stone dominos. We each got some cigars for Dominick (my son-in-law). I got an Ed Hardy bag for $40, and a silver and coral bracelet for showing some Mexican my boob. The left one. I also got a Mayan plaque type thing for the Wall.
There was SO much shopping that we didn’t really get to do anything else. We walked for many hours and then returned to the ship sore and dirty.
The ship’s show was “Once Upon A Time” which was a musical song and dance thing themed after fairy tales. It was really good! We went to the casino for a few minutes after dinner, and I lost $20. Earlier in the week I had made $10 by putting $5 on red (roulette) (I also had a $5 play credit coupon) but gave $5 of it to Joss because I felt bad that she lost her roulette bet.
The shelf is now overflowing!

Day 7 – At sea

Joss and I rearranged the furniture in our room. It’s a lot roomier now!
Joss made a fort with blankets and when the room service guy came to bring us tea, she yelled “ATTACK” and threw a bunch of army men at him.
We also put luggage tags on a few favored items and put them out in the hallway to be checked with everyone else’s baggage. A chair, a roll of toilet paper, and a life vest. Sadly they were ignored and not taken away with the rest of the luggage. However our housekeeper did find it quite funny, and came into our room to tell us about it (after knocking for about 10 minutes and hearing us laughing but not answering the door.)

Day 8 – It’s all over now

We got off the ship at like 6 a.m. It was freezing in Florida. Like in the 20s, and windy. We had no coats, and were in flip flops. We rented a car and drove to Orlando. We got pedicures and manicures, and then went to the airport, where we missed the plane by like 10 minutes. That’s a story for another blog though. We got home at midnight.
I'll post more pictiures soon.

Some pictures from the cruise

2010-02-12T18:44:00.000-05:00

Me and Joss at the airport. We were trying to avoid airport security.Apparently our disguises were not sufficient, as airport security scoped us out for about 10 minutes before finally coming over and asking what was up.

Me and Joss on the bus from the airport to the port. We were sitting right in front of a man that I dubbed "snot man" because of the disgusting snorting snot sounds he kept making. I offered him a kleenix, but he didn't get the hint, and kept right on a-snotting. Later we saw him in the elevator and he was chewing with his mouth open too! Yuck!

A small portion of the HUGE ship.

Actually, it's not really THAT big:

The Promenade!! A happenin spot every night

Who does this chick think she is??

More of the royal promenade

Joss with the WCSR mascot. Wow, some law firms are really free with vacation time. Hey, does that child have a drink in her hand??? Where's her mother!

I'm wearing my Heart of the Ocean necklace. Luckily, there were no icebergs in sight

At The Crypt: A very cool gothic-themed bar.

My photo shoot. I took what I learned from the model in Paris back with me.

More pictures to come!!!

Good news from scan results

2010-02-04T00:21:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, and was planning on my next several posts being about the cruise Joss and I just returned from, but got news from the doctor today to share.

I had a CAT scan yesterday, and got the results today. My doctor said "someone has been praying for you." It appears that all of the tumors and splatters of cancer in my lungs are no longer visible. Apparently this means:
- The chemo of the past 3 months has had a good effect
- I am currently considered "in remission"
- I still need to remain on chemo for the majority of the rest of my life
- My 5 year survival changes have increased from 4% to 15-20%
- There is now a higher chance that I have more than the 2 years that was my previous prognosis
- I can take a break from the nastiest chemo and remain on two of the lighter ones for the next 6 months
- I can take my chemo in pill form for the next 3 months so will not need to go in as often

I'm confused about why I am still considered "terminal" if they can no longer see any cancer. I asked about this, but got confusing information that sounded something like this: "I wish I had a crysal ball and could tell you it won't come back, or when it will and how long you have. The fact that you responded so well to the chemo is a good thing. Your genetics, however, will re-create cancerous cells, and they change and get immune to chemos."

So my confused interpretation of this is that I will have some more time "healthy" than thought, but need to stay on chemo to keep it away as long as possible. I have learned that this journey will be a rollercoaster, and at some point I will get bad news again, but for now this is good news.

Although it is a bit frustrating to have circumstances constantly change, and not know what is going to happen, and when, or how long I have, I realized this evening that life is supposed to be that way. I'm not really supposed to know how long I have. Yet having a slight insight into the method of my demise, but not full information is still frustrating.

Lastly, although there are no words to adequately express my appreciation, I want to thank ALL of you for your concern, and prayers. My doctor said that a reaction to chemo this good is VERY rare, and I know that I got this gift because of the many people (some I know and some I don't) who have been praying for me. I am a more spiritual than religious person, but I do believe in a Creator, and I do believe in the power of prayer, and thank you all deeply and humbly. And, of course, I thank God!

I will, of course, continue to post updates as I get new news, and will be posting about the cruise soon, and the shenanagans that Joss and I got into. How do you spell shenanigans, anyway?

Love you all!
Do something fun today! Play a game, buy new shoes, get a facial, have a shot of tequila with lunch, or nibble on baby toes (my favorite activity).

Welcome 2010!!

2010-01-02T18:49:00.004-05:00

My recent posts have had a bit of a different tone than those from a few months ago, when I was actively shifting my priorities and being more inspiring. With the New Year upon us, and many of you surely making some resolutions, I figured it is the ideal time to revert back to sharing some of what I am learning and hopefully inspire some new outlooks for your new year.

My journey since diagnosis has crammed a lot of reactions, emotions, adventures, attitude changes and enlightenment into less than a year. I've made a conscious effort to make things happen in my life, and to change my priorities and the way I look at things. This has worked out well and led to the following highlights and changes over the past few months:

- Europe trip!
- Skydiving
- Seeing many new places
- Trying to see old places with new eyes
- More frequent visits with family
- Hugging more
- Letting things go quickly
- Seeing more beauty in the world
- I've banned the word "someday"
- Saying "why not?" as often as possible
- I actually want my picture taken now
- Looking for new things to experience
- I booked my upcoming mother-daughter cruise with Joss

Most importantly I've begun actively living, after realizing that this is my life and not a dress rehearsal; it's already begun and this is the only shot we get. I spent the last 40 years waiting for things to happen -- things that I would say I’d love to do "someday" -- and then one day I realized these desires don't just come. You have to make things happen, and making things happen is a big part of the fun of the whole adventure!

I think that many people in my position develop the same sort of attitude. Once you know you have limited time left, people make changes. Yet the reality is that we all have limited time left. It’s sad to see people who are simply existing through their time, not particularly happy, but making no effort to change what they are not happy with, or people with dreams of doing something or going somewhere, that never make it happen. We hold grudges, procrastinate, and put work before family. These are the things that we regret on our deathbeds. “I wish I had made up with my mother,” “I wish I had spent more time with my kids.” These are the things that are really important to us in the end, and we realize them too late. I am fairly certain that in the history of deathbed regrets, no one has ever said “I wish I had skipped my son’s baseball game to get that contract done.”

Therefore I am welcoming 2010 equipped with this motive: live life the way I would wish I had if I were on my deathbed. This looks different to everyone, but to me that means loving, hugging, sharing, letting go of anger, not taking for granted the preciousness of my friends and family, and seeing and experiencing the world.

So, if you are working on your own list of changes to make 2010 better, I hope you will consider dropping from your list “lose 10 pounds” and replacing it with “hug someone every day.”

I love you all

.

Big Fish

2009-12-27T22:37:00.002-05:00

I love the movie "Big Fish." If you haven't seen it, a man recounts the stories that his dying father has told him of his life and the people he's met. The son doesn’t believe any if it, but at the end, when the father dies, all of the characters from his stories (albeit a more reality-based version thereof) gather to remember him. They did exist; pieces of his different lives. They all come together in the end and authenticate him, his stories, his history, his life.

I've been feeling rather nostalgic lately, and felt drawn to contacting several people from my past: old friends, old boyfriends, people who have made a significant impact in my life; people whose relationships with me made up all of my different lives; people whom I missed; people whom I felt I owed an apology, or wanted peace with; people whom I loved.

For a few days after making some of these contacts, I was overly emotional. Every email or call with someone made me cry. Every picture I looked at, every memory that surfaced saddened me deeply. I wanted to figure out why I was so drawn to reconnecting with my past, and why it was so sad to me... and why I was still so drawn to reconnecting with my past, even though it was so sad to me. I concluded that there are two reasons I felt this need. The first one came to me rather quickly: I'm being robbed of my future, so I'm holding on to my past. I guess it's a sort of defense mechanism, or reflex or something. The desire to live is ingrained in us. Knowing that it is going to be taken away, I grasp for what makes me real: my history. While I can understand my own desire to want to hold onto life in any way I can, I also know that it won’t work. I cannot spend the rest of the time I have holding on to the past, hoping that doing so will keep me alive... I still have more living to do, and I have a whole lot of it to do in a little bit of time. I don't have time to waste. I’ve pondered our “earthly time” a lot lately. What is my time here for? What is my purpose here? Do we all even have a specific purpose? Have I contributed to the world in any way? If nothing else, there is one thing I’ve accomplished, that I know affects the world positively. I helped bring to life one of the most beautiful and amazing women I know. What an honor.

The second reason for my trip down memory lane came to me the other day when I was talking with Joss about the time to come when I am no longer here, and I said to her “don’t forget me.” Of course I know she will never forget me, but my feeling that I needed to say this to her made me realize what really scares and saddens me. The same fear that freaked me out while filling the time capsule: disappearing. Sometimes I try to picture what the world will be like when I am no longer around. People going about their days, proceeding with their lives – everything the same except without me. I know that some people will never forget me, but the idea of being just a memory is disturbing nonetheless. No matter how vividly I am remembered, the fact remains that I will go from being a real, living person, to nothing more than memories. Memories fade. Will I fade the same way? Had I begun fading already, since to the people in my past, I was already just a memory?

When I started finding people I went to High School with, I would always ask if they remembered me. All did, and for some reason it surprised me every time. Perhaps because I, myself, have forgotten the person I was then. In finding these people, I’m refreshing memories of me so that they may remain vivid a bit longer. I’m gathering the characters from my life, like the characters in Big Fish gathered, proving the storyteller’s reality. I’m hoping that my existence affected something. I’m striving to leave proof that I was here… that I was real. I’m carving my name in the Tree Of Life.

It brought up lots of old memories, revisiting my past, and left me with such a deep yearning to go back to those times, that I felt misplaced for a little while. I remembered a story my Mom once told me about a girl who grew up near a big mountain. She loved this mountain. She’d climb it all the time, and would have picnics on the top. She planted flowers on the mountain. She went there to think, to laugh, and to cry. It was a very special place for her. At one point, she moved away. For years and years she thought of this mountain, and how she wanted nothing more than to go back there. One day she finally did go back but when she got there, all she found was a simple, bare little hill. Nostalgia tends to warp our memories. Romanticize them. Much like the characters in the stories of Big Fish were exaggerated: Siamese twins were really just normal twins; the giant was actually just a very large man; and the witch was, in reality, just a woman. Mom told me the story of the mountain one day when I was feeling homesick for Rhode Island. All of my family had since moved away, and there was really nothing significant left there for me, except the memories. Had I gone back, I would have found just a bare, little hill. She’d remind me of this lesson from time to time by presenting, where appropriate, a line I have heard a hundred times: “You can’t go back to the mountain.”

I’ve moved on from seeking my mountain. I’ve renewed some special friendships, and let go of some that were lost and should have been let go of a while ago. I’ve touched what were previously just memories, and confirmed their existence – and my own. I’ve put back my romanticized versions of my life stories, because I like them better that way. Then I spent some time remembering everyone I’ve known who has died, so they won’t disappear.

Some new pics

2009-12-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

My Dad & Diane's house and yard in Maine:

The plane I jumped out of

Baby James with his carrot stained face. He's getting so big.

My Js

Back to the Earth I’m Falling

2009-12-18T21:56:00.001-05:00

There is a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to blog about, but haven't been feeling well. Last week in St. Pete I went skydiving! It's something I've always wanted to do, and decided now is the time. I have a video from the jump, but my cheeks are flapping in the 120 mile an hour wind so much that I decided not to post it.

The jump was amazing! First I donned a very geeky looking “jump suit” and immediately wondered if this was the origin of the term “jumpsuit.” I was given a very quick lecture on what to expect, and what to do, and then boarded the plane with Randy, my tandem dude. There were maybe 10 jumpers in the plane, most licensed and jumping alone. I think we got up to about 10,000 feet when some of the lone jumpers started stepping out the door, with absolutely no hesitation. It was a bit scary seeing them through the windows, jumping into nothing and then falling. I actually said “holy crap, they are nuts” and then realized I was about to do the same thing. I kept waiting for the fear to come, the butterflies, the hesitation, but it didn’t. Until I got to the door! I was strapped very tightly to Randy and it was difficult to maneuver to the door. Once I got there, I was immediately terrified! I looked down and could not see the ground because of the clouds, and I think that may have made it even scarier. Jumping blindly, knowing the earth is 13,500 feet below me, but jumping into a cloud. A CLOUD… as in, in the sky. I panicked and started yelling “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” to which Randy very appropriately responded “Shut up!!” I quickly did, since he had the chute, closed my eyes, and a second later, was falling. The fear only lasted a few seconds. The wind was intense. Much more than I thought it would have been. I had to consciously start breathing, and concentrate on holding my arms out like I was instructed. I guess I kept wanting to look down because I remember Randy kept tilting my head back. The wind was loud and strong, and the feeling amazing. Then suddenly – quiet. Randy pulled the chute, and immediately everything changed. The intense noise quieted. The cold rushing air became soft, warm and gentle. Suddenly I could see everything as I calmly floated down towards the ground. It was beautiful, and serene, and lasted several minutes. I landed, as instructed, with my legs straight out, landing on my butt. The touchdown was so gentle, I was amazed.

When I landed, the camera guy asked if I would do it again. My response was “Hell yeah!!!” The freefall part was so intense, and fast, and new, that I don’t feel like I fully experienced it. I definitely do want to do it again, and may do so in January. When I was given my video, I also got a roll of film that was taken (how antiquated, huh?) I plan on having it developed and hopefully then will be able to post some pics of the jump.

When I got home from Florida, I happily checked off “Skydive” from the book.

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Snow day

2009-12-10T05:40:00.006-05:00

I looked out the window like a kid on a snow day, eager to see what the winter would bring today. "It's snowing!!" It was the light dry kind of snow that is not so great for making snowmen but is easily blown around by the wind, creating snowdrifts with ripples that resemble a white desert. It was coming down fairly hard. School and business closings flashed along the bottom of the television and brought the familiar line "no school Foster-Glouster" to mind. I piled on gloves, a coat, and layers of socks and headed outside.

Dad and I visited the goats, who didn't seem to mind the cold at all. They stuck their snow sprinkled heads through the fence to greet us, hoping we had a treat for them. Dad pulled a pine tree branch to reach them and Lucy and Ricky quickly devoured it. We fed them a few animal crackers from a large coffee can and Ricky's entire head soon disappeared into the can. We had only been out a few minutes but the harsh winter air was stinging my face. With a red nose and snow stuck in the fur around my face and wrists, I went back inside. The house smelled wonderfully as Diane prepared lunch: home-made turkey soup, which was not only delicious, but also suited the day perfectly. I had two bowls!

After lunch, Dad, Diane and I sat down together and played a card game. The snowfall, and our game, continued until dark. Diane and I looked at some pictures of my last visit to Maine, in 2004, and of my two favorite Js and then we watched some television. Soon the house again began to fill with the aroma of Diane's cooking. She is a great cook and made us pasta with meatballs and sausage for dinner. We had cheesecake for dessert, and then settled in to watch a movie. Before I knew it, it was time for bed. I crawled into my comfy bed and drifted off.

I love snow days!

Maine

2009-12-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

I traveled up the entire east coast in 3 hours and arrived in Bangor! It was great seeing my Dad waiting for me! He and Diane took me to Hollywood Slots, a casino in Bangor, where we had a delicious buffet dinner, complete with piles of crab legs! After eating we played penny slot machines for a while, and Dad ended up hitting big for $75!! I lost $10, which was a bargain for the hours of entertainment it brought. It started snowing on the drive home, and that reminded me of my childhood, and growing up in RI. I had forgotten how beautiful it is up north.

Tuesday morning I met the goats, Lucy and Ricky. They are so friendly and cute! We fed them animal crackers and tried to keep Lucy from knocking Ricky out trying to get more than her fair share.

We went for breakfast and then to see a movie. I loved riding around the little towns. It’s wonderful here – quiet and quaint. Nature everywhere. The snow, the trees, and the lakes all working together to create amazing landscapes. The buildings fit into these scenes perfectly. A general store, a small town church, or a town hall the size of a bedroom, add to the charm and make me smile at the simplistic beauty.

There is another snow coming tomorrow, and I plan to go out and throw a few snowballs. I haven’t done that in years! I am also eager to play more with Lucy and Ricky.

Lucy and Ricky

That's my Dad!

My Dad and Diane walking into the movie.

Parking lot at the movie's that Dad and Diane thought was "crowded"

Chillin' in St. Pete

2009-12-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

I arrived in St. Pete Friday evening. The weather was cool, and rainy. I had reservations for Super 8, but wasn’t sure where it was in relation to the airport. By the time I was done dilly-dallying with my GPS trying to find out if it was a walkable distance, all of the cabs at the tiny airport were gone. I decided I would just walk there, and asked some random dude to point in the direction of 34th street. He told me it was too far to walk, but I asked him to point anyway. He did. Off I went. About an hour and 15 minutes later, I arrived at my weekend home, wet from the rain and eager to dry off, but happy I was able to walk the entire way without my back hurting. It does seem to be getting better since surgery.

Saturday morning Neil came down and we spent the day together. The weather was not as nice as we would have liked, but it was a lovely day anyway, which we kicked off with a quick cup of coffee at the Super 8. We then headed to this really cool Italian market called Mazarro’s (I think). It was really nice inside – looked just like Italy, and the éclairs were amazing!!! A young boy in the kitchen looked just like my son-in-law, Dominick, and I tried to get his picture but was not able to get a good one.

Next we went to the Salvador Dali museum. I had really been wanting to go there! It was fun. Unfortunately they don’t let you take pictures inside, which I don’t understand at all since the Louvre allows picures. After the museum we had a delicous lunch at Fourth Street Shrimp Store. Neil told me that he and my Mom used to go there. I wondered which chair she may have sat in.

Sunday I rented a car and went to the beach. I drove around a bit, not sure where, but it was nice. In the afternoon, I took a nap and then sought out Italian food. It was a very low-key weekend and I wanted it that way. When I returned the rental car on Monday, I noticed the number on the license plate was 665 – my favorite number. I think just my family knows why .

Monday – off to Maine.

Clearwater Beach

2009-12-06T15:43:00.002-05:00

The sand is soft, fluffy, and white like confectionary sugar. It’s warm enough to welcome bare feet, but cool enough to start the pins in my feet that the chemo causes.

I sit on the sand, wrap my feet in a towel, and look out at the ocean. Its gray color matches my mood, as does its lack of sparkle. I can relate to its attempts to roll up a good wave. I can see the effort, and how they then just fizzle out and give up. The usual powerful roar of the ocean has been reduced to a serene, tired moan.

There are just a few others here, but I wish there were less. I think back to the beach in Nice, where everything was perfect. Where nothing could invade my mind but the beauty around me. Where everything was new and awesome and nothing tied me to my past. Or my present. Where I was completely alone at the most beautiful place on earth. I could have spent days there…weeks even, staring up and down the surreal French shoreline, picking up colorful rocks to add to the collection in my pocket, and letting the waves roll over my legs. Sitting on the literal edge of the world.

The water in Nice also matched my mood that day. Light, vibrant and playful. The waves teased me and the sun shone brightly creating diamond-like sparkles across the sea. Life was so different during my three weeks in Europe. Simple, yet everything a new adventure. No personal history at all, just me and the moment. Certain thoughts never crossed my mind when I was there. The fact that I am sick, the fears I have of the future, the anger at what is being stolen from me, the very few, yet very painful regrets in my life. I wonder which time zone it is that those things could not cross.

I decide to stroll and look for shells. I put my shoes on to ward off the pins. There are lots of tiny fragments to be found, but I want to find a treasure. I start to dig in the soft sand, letting a tired wave rinse the sand away and reveal the buried shells. Immediately my fingers get the pin pokes. I hate chemo. I hate cancer. I allow myself to shed a few tears for what cancer has taken from me today as I walk away. Tomorrow I go back to trying to sparkle.

I give in today and realize that I need this type of day too. I spend the majority of my time cultivating a good attitude, looking at things positively, appreciating every moment, laughing and having fun at every occasion, but I am also grieving, and should allow myself some time to do that. I want to stay positive but cannot deny the fact that I am angry, feel cheated, and am sad. My heart breaks for those who love me. It’s a blessing and a curse, foresight. I’ve been given the gift of realizing how precious each moment is, how love is so much more important than anything, and how dreams will only come true if you make them. I’ve also been given the burden of mourning my own death.

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Racking 'em Up!!

2009-11-30T19:40:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we treat aging like a curse? It’s really the best blessing we could be given: Life. I mean, the only alternative to aging is dying. We want to live long, yet we complain about aging. We try to hide our wrinkles and gray hair, when we should be flaunting them. Each gray hair is evidence of days we were given to live – each wrinkle, a scrapbook of our time here.

My Mother (a very wise woman as you who’ve read my blog faithfully have probably gleaned) celebrated every birthday with a humorous amount of enthusiasm. She took the entire month of May as her “birthday month” rather than limiting it to the 24th. She loudly sang what the family now considers “her” birthday song: “Happy Birthday” from the 70’s feminist musical “I’m Getting My Act Together And Taking It On The Road.” She never made attempts to hide her age, or had any desire to. She would talk about how she loved each birthday, and wanted to “rack ‘em up.” I always liked the way she looked at aging, but never really related to it… until now.

Today I am 41. I have a few gray hairs, and have recently started developing crow’s feet. Nothing is quite as “in place” as it was 20 years ago. I have lots of aches, pains and stiffness. My memory is getting worse, as is my eyesight. I couldn’t be more thrilled. I hope to collect a lot more birthdays, wrinkles, gray hairs, sagging, squinting, and forgetting. I will never again complain about any part of aging. Instead I’ll consider those who never made it to 41. I’m glad I have. I hope to make it to 42, 43, 44…

Embrace the aging process, as it’s also the living process. Be thankful that you have been given more years than many others. And celebrate your birthday for the entire month!

Mom's Birthday Song.

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Lightning Crashes

2009-11-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have a book titled “2001 Things To Do Before You Die.” Joss and I both have a copy actually. We bought them together about 6 months ago, and have spend hours on several different occasions going through them together, talking about thing things we have done and could check off, discussing the things we want to do, and making some plans to actually do some of them. Since my new diagnosis a few weeks ago, we’ve gotten them out again several times, and made a much more sincere effort to cross things off.

One of the items in the book is “Start a tradition,” which prompted the peanut butter and jelly blog from a few days ago. Another is to bury a time capsule. Joss and I decided a few weeks ago, that we would do this, and that she and her children would dig it up in 20 years. I thought this was a great idea that she and her children would love in the future. We discussed including letters to the kids, pictures, items from our era, etc.

I thought about how I would have felt had my Mom left such things for me. It would have literally amazed me to find things that she was the last to touch and that still held her essence. I would have spent hours flabbergasted by the whole “time” concept. I do this often, like tonight when I came across a picture of my mother on her wedding day, standing with her mother. They were both gazing into a large mirror that I now have. It is mind-boggling to me, that the mirror that I have, once held her reflection. That the day that picture was taken was at that time, the present, just as today is for me. That when our time capsule is opened, the present that’s so real to me right now, will be just a memory in pictures of the past, the same way. I wondered if my grand children would find this buried treasure as valuable as I would have.

We planned the date to bury the time capsule for this weekend. I wrote to the family members who visited over thanksgiving asking them to bring any items they would like to include. To my surprise, they all did. Tonight I began packing things up in the capsule, which is an army ammunition can that I intend to add several coats of Rustoleum or sealer, and caulk closed. I am also putting all of the contents inside several vacuum sealed bags (another great use for the FoodSaver). I finished bagging and labeling everyone’s contents and started gathering my own. I started with the basics: a letter I wrote to James trying (but failing) to express to him how much I love him and how much fun we have together; a letter to Jocilyn with pretty much the same failure; a mouse, a cell phone, and a remote control, sure that the 2030 technological comparison would be fun; and some family pictures. I wrote on the back of all the pictures so that they would know who everyone is. I put in a dollar bill (which may very well be obsolete in 2030) sprayed with a perfume that I often wear, and sealed that in a vacuum bag, hoping that my future family will be able to experience the scent. I took a video of me and the family talking and going through all of the things we were including, and intend to add that also.

I then looked around for other things to add. I thought about adding a lipgloss, a lock of hair, or something that I had actually used, and maybe held a bit of my spirit. I started collecting more and more things. I wanted to write more letters, add more items, put more and more of me in this time capsule. It then hit me, very suddenly in a crashing jolt of reality, why I wanted to put so much in this box. Why, to my surprise, not everyone thought it was as important as I did. Why I didn’t want to seal it but wanted to keep adding everything.

I'm trying to get in the box.
I don’t want to disappear.

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To My Family, I'm Bequeathing Peanut Butter & Jelly

2009-11-27T03:10:00.000-05:00

I have the absolute best family. I’m sure most people think that, but I really do. We never argue. Seriously -- never; we have no reason to. We cherish every visit we are able to have together. This has been the nature of our family for as long as I can remember, but the attitude was certainly amplified by my Mother. She had an amazing outlook and always knew what was really important. If others would say that they “don’t have enough room” for someone to visit, or that they “don’t have enough food” to include someone, Mom would never understand. I can literally hear her voice saying “there’s always room; we’ll sleep on the floor if we have to” and “there’s always enough food; we’ll order pizza if we have to.” I’m delighted to have inherited this attitude from Mom. There have been occasions when I’d invite a bunch of people over, and would be asked with a tone of concern “do you have room for that many people?” I am always somewhat bemused by such a statement, and say something like “Of course! There’s always room."

While talking with Neil last week about what we might be having for our Thanksgiving dinner, he said (right in line with our family axiom) that we could have peanut butter and jelly and it would be wonderful, as long as we are together. He was absolutely right, and I decided that we should celebrate this attitude! So in addition to the huge antipasto, shrimp, ravioli, meatballs, turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, bread, cranberry sauce and a plethora of pies and cookies, we also had one peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I cut the sandwich into small cubes, and at the start of the meal, explained to everyone that my intent was to create a new family tradition. I told them that I hope they will all keep up with this tradition and pass it down. (I’ve not asked if they plan to, or if they think it’s completely stupid, but we’ll see how it goes.) I explained that sharing the peanut butter and jelly sandwich would serve as a reminder of the importance of holidays: that it doesn’t matter what we have, as long as we share it together. I then told my family how glad I was that we were together today, and everyone ate a small piece of the sandwich. (Thanks to all for amusing me).
I think it might be cool, especially after my time here is up, and even more so in future generations, if we kept this tradition, and I hope that it always does reiterate the fact that holidays are not about what you eat, what presents you give/get, how your house is decorated, if your plates match, or how many chairs you have. My Mom would say that it doesn’t even matter what the date on the calendar is. Holidays are about spending time with people you love, enjoying their company, sharing, laughing, loving, and appreciating all that we have.

I was fortune this year, to have spent Thanksgiving with Neil, Al, Don, Jeannie, Jocilyn, Dominick, James, and Mark. My Dad and Diane could not make it, but I hope to see them soon!! I hope everyone also had a wonderful holiday!
Special note to all of my family: I’m eager to know if any of you have PB&J at Christmas dinner!

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Super cute pics of Jamie Jame

2009-11-26T23:51:00.000-05:00

Grandmama gave me a cookie!!

Two Li'l Monkeys

Sweet Baby James

Gal's Night Out!!

2009-11-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

I'm finally getting to posting pics from GNO last week. Lulu, Cyn City and I had a blast with Art, our super cool limo driver! We went to Comedy Zone, and then downtown for hot dogs from Sandy (the new runner) and her boyfriend.

Who rents a limo for Comedy Zone and hotdogs? I have awesome friends!

Chemo bites too!

2009-11-19T06:35:00.001-05:00

It's 5:43 Thursday morning, and I haven't slept a wink since 6 this morning. I've been tossing and turning for hours, and finally accepted the fact that I am not going to sleep tonight, and got up to poke around. Today I learned that my recent nighttime fidgeting is attributed to the chemo, and that today's dose may increase that. Yep. I already suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome (a/k/a "jimmy legs") so it's quite uncomfortable. Not to mention I am having to wear gloves and socks because of the cold sensitivity one of my chemos causes. I cannot turn the heat up because I am always so hot, so even "room temperature" foods and drinks are too cold. I had to nuked some juice for 20 seconds and that made it drinkable, though not nearly as refreshing. I am also cloudy headed and having body aches in my back, legs, and ankles. The effects from the last treatment were not nearly as uncomfortable, and the nurse told me the effects should not be cumulative because it should clear out of my system between one treatment and the next, but I am definitely having more trouble this time. Maybe I will call the Dr. later and ask her why.

Here's some good news though... My Dr. said that she will be able to move some chemo dates around so that Joss and I will be able to go on a mother/daughter cruise in January. We are hoping to go January 23, for 7 days, visiting Belize, Honduras, and Mexico. As long as she can survive that long without James, we are going to have a blast!! She is in the process of getting her passport, and then we will book. I am very excited about it. My Mom and I went on one and it's some of my best memories. We had such a great time -- just me and her, laughing hysterically about 18 hours a day. Joss and I will surely laugh at least as much.

And more good news... Joss and I were talking today about having a "Pink Poker Party." A very pink and girly poker night. We'll have snacks, and cosmos or something, and play poker for chic-prizes. Anyone interested? Please let me know if so. My fear in planning parties is always that no one will come. I'll make it fun, I promise!

Well my alarm is going off in the bedrooms, so I guess it's time to get up for work. Unfortunately I don't think I am going to make it today - at least not this morning...which sucks because I was excited about the new phones we are getting today. Luckily I am blessed with the absolute best and most understanding and supportive workplace.

OK, I'm off to turn off the alarm, and then watch Married With Children. Maybe I'll make some cocoa too. Today's challenge: do something that makes you smile. Wear a tiara, stand with your back to the door in the elevator, color in a coloring book, buy yourself some flowers...anything :)

I love you all.
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OK, Call Me Obsessive...

2009-11-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

My favorite line from The Wizard Of Oz:
Dorothy: If you don't have a brain, how can you talk?
Scarecrow: I don't know.

The one that annoys me the most:
Dorothy to the Flying Monkey (talking about broomstick) Can we have it?
Flying Monkey: Yes, and take it with you.

OK. I will shut up about the W.O.O. now.

A Little "Wizard Of Oz" Trivia

2009-11-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

Sunday:

I am watching the Wizard of Oz, which I've seen a zillion times (like everyone, except for my freaky stepfather (he's not really freaky; he's awesome!), and my sister, neither of whom have seen it, which is weird. Really weird. Especially for Neil, who is over 60. I mean, how can you live 60+ years, and NEVER have seen the Wizard of Oz? Anyway...) but never noticed this detail, that tonight I noticed. It tickled me. So, if anyone else already knew/noticed this, comment and let us know!!!

When Dorothy and the crew first go into the forest to seek the witch, what are they each carrying?
(scroll down for the answer)

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Answer: I had to rewind it to catch all of it, but here it is:

Tin Man: His axe, and a HUGE pipe wrench
Scarecrow: A big stick, and a gun
Lion: A butterfly net, and one of those old fashioned pump exterminator things
Dorothy: Just her basket. Girls are bad-ass and can take on a witch with just what is in our purse...or basket.

What an awesome movie. Gotta run now... The Wizard is digging in his black bag!!

DAMn, Virginia, Stomp Your Feet!

2009-11-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

I've taken a few pictures over the past week, and have finally got some time to sit down and share them. First off, Oliver and I took a ride to Virginia last week. No particular destination, just got in the car and started driving.

First we stopped for sausage biscuits.

Then we drove north and came across a dam.

Next we stopped at a Goodwill and got some books for James for .35 each! While walking out of the store, I met a kind elderly woman who beat cancer and we chatted for a few. Sadly, I didn’t think to take her picture.

We then drove home, and saw the most amazing HUGE harvest moon. It's hard to tell in the pictures, but it was really big and beautiful!

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Joss, Jamie Jame and I had dinner at Cici's one night:

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Yesterday (Saturday) was fun. First I did some Christmas shopping and had my car washed:

This guy worked really hard to remove a pretty nasty white mark where some douchebag must have hit my car with their door REALLY hard (Rude bastard...I hope karma gets him!) I didn't intentionally photograph his ass, just didn't wanna get up from the grassy knoll.

Then my son-in-law took me, Joss and James out for lunch:

Look at those handsome men!!!

Then Joss and I went to a Step competition at Dudley High School. It was called "Stompfest" and featured several schools from around the state. It was fun, and a couple of the teams were really impressive!

My chin is cut off because I had to crop out Jocilyn's infinite cleavage.

Remember to do something fun this week! Think of one thing, and then be sure to do it.

I have found my limit

2009-11-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have posted a lot lately, trying to remind everyone of the brevity of life. I have tried to inspire everyone to do things now, enjoy life, take risks, and have fun because life is short. I’ve tried to show that you can do things you want to do. I have now discovered that I too have a line, which once reached, I give up and say “I can’t do that.” Apparently my line is a terminal diagnosis.

It’s a bizarre feeling, to know that your end is near, that you are being robbed of decades, that the thing that will kill you is already living and working inside you, and yet have no idea how it will play out, when it will come, how it will come, or how functional you will be. It has certainly given me a lot to think about over the past week.

For the past few days I have been thinking that I would soon need to make the decision that trumps all others: how to spend the rest of my life. The reality started to strike me, that the “rest of my life” isn’t as vague and seemingly infinite as it was a week ago.

I considered lots of possibilities, and ways I could choose to spend the remainder of my life. I came up with three scenarios:

1. Status quo: I do whatever the doctors say to prolong my life as long as possible, while continuing to work as long as I physically can. I spend as much time with family, especially Joss and James, and try to take an occasional vacation between chemo and hurling until I am too bogged down by sickness and oxygen tanks, and then eventually become hospitalized, hopefully not for too long, and hopefully without much suffering, until I move on to hopefully be with my Mom.

2. Just be with family: Finish this round of chemo, see what the scans say, and based on that, determine when to start traveling between Maine, NC and Florida spending lots of time with my family.

3. Go out with a bang: Finish this round of chemo, see what the scans say, and based on that determine when to take off to Europe. I’ve started feeling a strong yearning to return. A sadness even, that I am no longer there. This is not necessarily a specific desire just to be in Europe, but also and more so a longing to return to the place I was mentally while there. The complete freedom, lack of responsibility, and sense of newness, adventure and beauty in everything. Had I been born rich instead of beautiful, I would go back and spend at very least, another month there, mostly sitting on the beach and picking out little rocks. If I could do anything right now, I’d give anything to be there.

These are a few of the choices I thought I had, and have been thinking about, along with the basic question of quantity vs. quality. Should I do everything I can to extend my life as long as possible? What would the point of that be, though, if I were suffering for much of it? Having cancer in my lungs, my doctor informed me, could mean an oxygen tank in my future. We did not discuss what the effects of the liver tumors could cause, but I’m sure it would not be pleasant. Then there is the possibility of developing tumors in other organs. There will also be many rounds of chemo, along with its side effects. Is it worth living an extra year, if I spend that year puking, suffering, and feeling like a burden to my family? Is it better to live less time but enjoy that time more? Is it fair to my daughter and grandbaby to choose quality? Is it even fair to my purpose of being here, whatever that may be, to choose to shorten my time for my own enjoyment, or ease of discomfort?

While trying to mentally work all these things out, I realized I really don’t have choices at all. I have a house to pay for, and now a new debt from my trip, as well as taxes and all that good stuff. Sure, I could sell everything and live carelessly, but what if I live longer than anticipated? And I certainly want to leave Jocilyn with as much as I can – at very least, a house. Not only could I never even consider leaving my job, but I will need to do whatever necessary to keep it as I get sicker, because I am dependant not only on the income, but equally on the medical insurance. While I would undoubtedly be trying to inspire a person in my shoes to live their dream, do whatever they wanted, not feel held back by anything, and convince them that the details will work themselves out, I, on this side of the situation, resign myself to the fact that this choice is made for me. I am actually surprised to learn this about myself, and in a way it ties in with self discoveries of my Europe trip. I’m disappointed in myself, and would work on it if I had more time to. At least I recognize my limitations, and can accept them. Maybe my outlook will change as my journey progresses. Maybe I’ll start playing the lottery...winning that would certainly change my outlook. Maybe I’ll just live out my life like it is. Things could be a LOT worse!

I promise to go back to funny and adventurous posts soon. And pictures! Really! Check back.

It's funny how everything can change in a second

2009-11-04T19:56:00.000-05:00

I've ridden the euphoria from my Europe trip to its end. It lasted well beyond my return home, so that's a blessing. It probably would have continued another few weeks had today's events not happened. But they did, so I'm working on accepting it and announcing it, so I can work on changing it, or at least enjoying what I can.

My scans from yesterday showed a recurrance of cancer. It's popped up in "splatters" on my lungs and liver. Not nice big localized spots that can be removed or zapped with radiation, but speckles that can be treated only with chemo. My doctor has told me today, that this will kill me. The question of when depends on how I respond to chemo. Most likely, I have less than two years.

My first thought, seriously, for a fleeing second, was "I'm so glad I went to Europe!!" Next was "how can that be??" It's only been a few months after surgery, and after my surgery it didn't sound very serious. I put off my chemo because it didn't sound serious. Now I'm wondering if I killed myself by not taking it seriously. It doesn't seem right that I could be months away from death, but feel normal.

My doctor started me on chemo immediately, so I had my first round today. I got two new chemicals while at the cancer center (all day) and went home with the pump like I had before, with the same 5FU chemical I had before. I will wear the pump for 2 days, then have a 2 week break, and then do the entire procedure over again, every two weeks, for twelve weeks. After that, we will repeat the scans and hope that the chemo made a difference.

Telling my family was the worst part. Especially Joss. It breaks my heart to know that she is going to have to suffer the loss of her mom. I know how much that sucks. I love her more than anything. Telling my Dad, Brother, Neil, and Dave sucked too. I love them and don't want to bring them pain.

I am seeing my surgeon tomorrow, and will beg him to do my reversal now, even though I am currently in chemo, so that the rest of my time I can feel as normal as possible. I am not sure if he will. I will also ask him for a referral of an oncologist at Baptist, to get a second opinion on my scan results.

Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are, but I am the one that is sorry. I'm sorry that people who care about me will be in pain. I'm sorry that I didn't take the chemo right away, and could be contributing to that pain. I'm sorry that my baby will have to lose her mom so young. I'm sorry that my little precious beautiful grandboy won't get to know me and how much I love him. I'm not sorry for me. I'll be fine... I'll be with my Mom, so be happy for me. I won't have to deal with the upgrade to Windows 7! I lived my dream!! I do know, though, that no matter where I go, I will miss my baby girl.

My brother said in passing, something that really struck me -- I don't have to work on dying - that's being handled for me. I just have to work on living. So I am going to try my best to let this affect my life as little as possible. To spend time with my family and loved ones. To spoil my grandbaby. To tell people how I feel about them. To have fun! To fill my book as much as I can before the pages go blank.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

.

Lobsters, Chalupas - Edible Babies!!!!!

2009-10-31T21:39:00.000-04:00

Halloween pics! Here they are:

Uncle Joe and Baby James

Little Lobster Baby!

Lobster baby and kid feet

Giggle!!

How freakin cute is this???!!!

Yummmmm... got some melted butter?

the Chalupa!!!

Chalupa leaving with half my candy. What a cutie!

Little kids should be put in costume much more often than just Halloween. It's so adorable, and they really owe us...the least they can do is entertain!

I love fall!

2009-10-31T10:34:00.000-04:00

During this morning's excursion to the grocery store to get a coffee cake for my expected guests, I couldn't help but take a few pictures of things that stood out to me.

Happy Halloween!

To blog, or not to blog

2009-10-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

That IS the question I've pondered. Now that I am back in the U.S., and therefore my life is not nearly as interesting as it was in Europe, I've been trying to decide if I should continue this blog. On the one hand, many people have requested that I do (I'm truly flattered). But on the other hand, it does seem a bit pretentious (and I've been told it would be "stuck up").

Joss and I discussed it at length tonight, and have concluded that in order for it to be acceptable to continue, there must be some benefit to both me and readers. We then discussed the purpose of creating the blog in the first place, and concluded this:

In an effort to inspire myself to get out, see things, try things, have fun, live life, and celebrate as often as possible, I am going to aim to try/see/experience at least one new thing each week, and then blog about it. I will surely throw in silly little stories too, as they happen, but basically my goal is to remember, practice, and spread the importance of living life now, enjoying what's important, doing things instead of wishing, and seeking new and interesting things in everyday life. So, that's what I'm hoping to do, and hope that you might even be inspired to do something that you say you wish you could do.

We then laughed about how stupid we were, and decided to go see the movie "The Hangover" at the $1 theatre. It was freakin hilarious!!!! James went too, and seemed to enjoy it; He's such a good baby.

If you continue to follow me, and have not already signed up to "follow" please do. It excites me to see my list grow. Pathetic, I know, but I take happy thoughts from any place I can get them. I'm still riding the wave of merriment left over from my Europe trip, and plan to for as long as I can, so forgive my geekiness.

Also, if you have any adventures to share, please do! You can post them in a "comment" here, or just email me your story and/or pics and I'll gladly post it for you.

Before I sign off for the night, a few random facts:

Tomorrow is Halloween. James is going to be a lobster. Joss and Dom were trying to decide on his costume and Joss argued "He has to be food!" I love her; she's such a nut!
Tomorrow my Uncle Joe is coming to visit me from West Virginia. He's super cool, and is bringing his dog, "Little Shit."
Next weekend Neil and Al will be coming up from Florida! Yippeeeeee! I can't wait to see them, and they are both so eager to see the baby.
My brother and I devised what we called "the evil plan" to get the family together for Thanksgiving, and it turns out Neil, Don, and Jeannie will all becoming up from Florida to join me and the kids at my house for wine, food, and loud Italian talk! Everyone is welcome, so if you want to stop by, please do. Seriously! No, seriously... I'd love it!!!!! 5 Donlora Court, any time between 11 a.m. and 8 p.m. Official dinner will probably begin around 2, but we'll surely be pickin' all night.
The gals and I went to lunch early this week, and on the way there, spoted a blimp (no, not me, smartass...the kind in the sky). Not super exciting, but something you don't see every day.

There are a few cute videos of James in his walker for the first time here and here. I especially love the first one where he is petting the cat.

Lastly, here is a pic of my posse (left to right, Vickie, Cat and Donner). These three women are incredible, and I love each of them!

I'll have pics of the little lobster and my Uncle Joe tomorrow.

Do something fun this weekend! Dress up, go trick or treating, paint a picture, get a pet goldfish, try sushi (it's really quite good), spend the day watching all three "Back To The Future" movies... anything! (Except installing Google Chrome).

Peace out.

AC/DC In Greensboro!

2009-10-26T00:02:00.000-04:00

I speak the truth, my friends... Angus Young, that dude with that voice, and the rest of them -- all right here in Greensboro. They put on a good show! My friend Todd took me. Thanks Todd :)

And a few short videos:

Back In Black

Angus stripping (part 1)

Angus stripping (part 2)

G'night.

Great piece of wisdom for all my golf balls

2009-10-25T17:21:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me this recently (thanks Mark) and while you very well may have seen it before, it deserves attention. I've seen it before and thought "yes, that's so true!!!" and then forgot about it. I will now print it out and keep it visible, read it often, remember it, and live it - this is a great way to look at life!

--------------------
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him...When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you..

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children!!!!!!

Spend time with your parents!!!!!!

Visit with grandparents!!!!!!!

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities..

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS. IT'S LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!

--------------------

You who are reading this, are my golf balls :)

Well, well, well...You can never tell

2009-10-25T16:56:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been to the website Roadside America? Check it out! It has stupid/interesting things to visit all over the U.S. For example, for my RI friends, it has the big bug on 95 in Providence, as well as the new (new to me anyway) Water Fires downtown.

I've been to a few of these places when driving out to Vegas a few years back. The huge statue of Superman, for example... and right here in NC, Corner's Folly in K-ville (which was really cool by the way). Anyway, last night I was thinking of where I can go next - what I can find that is interesting, and I've never seen, that won't take me thousands of dollars to visit. I decided I would go to the bookstore today and try to find a book by Roadside America.

I went to Barnes & Noble today, browsed the bargain books, which I always do first, and while struggeling to hold my armful of chosen gems (including "Leonardo DaVinci", which I have an interest in learning all about after seeing the Mona Lisa, and "The Chronoicle Of World History" which I have a new interest in (yes, friends who know me well... seriously!) since seeing the Coliseum), I turned the corner of the bargain book rack and found there, staring right at me, and obviously waiting for me.... "Amazing and Unusual USA." The cover features what I at first thought was Cadiallac Ranch (which I don't remember the location of, but have seen on the way to Vegas) and later learned is yet another piece of roadside car art called Carhenge (you know...like Stonehenge).

Of course I bought the book, and already have a pile of new destinations that I need to see!!! These will make great weekend adventures -- fast and cheap! Among my list of must sees already are the World's Largest Ball of Twine, Lizzy Borden's house in MA (I did not know that happened right there in Fall River and that it is a BED AND BREAKFAST -- that's right, you can sleep there!), and I am especially excited about the Dr. Suess National Memorial Sculpture Garden, which is in Springfield MA. Looks like I need to take a trip back home! I had no idea that Massachusetts had such treasures as the Mapparium (Boston), Jordan's Furniture Store and Trapeze School (Reading, MA) (how random! I love it!), the Museum of Bad Art (Dedham). Also, Connecticut has a really cool looking castle in East Haddam!!!

Don't tell me the U.S. ain't got no heart! You just gotta poke around!

Of course, I will post my photos and stories of any of these places that I get to. Feel free to add your own destination experiences here!!!! I will even put your photos up for you.

Oh, last time I rode out to Vegas, we made a stop at Roswell. It was awesome! Just so you know. Still trying to get the memories of alien probes suppressed!

Yippee!

Last 3 blog entries that never got uploaded

2009-10-24T16:45:00.000-04:00

Sunday – train from Firenze to Roma

I am going to Roma. I bought a larger rolling suitcase, put most of my stuff in it, and am rolling that while wearing the backpack. The solution works fine, and I will be able to manage my stuff until I go home this way, but will still probably see about mailing it home tomorrow. It is so easy to spend a lot of money without realizing it here, with the exchange rate being so crappy. The suitcase I bought was e32, which doesn’t sound bad, but equals about $48. Still not terrible, but had I thought about it a second longer, I would have opted to find a cute pink one that I would use again in the future.

I don’t understand why, but Florence depressed me. I did enjoy the shopping, but other than that, it was not a good vibe. I think Roma will be better. I cried in the train station, and a woman from Oregon or one of those other nobody-lives-there states gave me a hug. I was going to try to call Joss or Neil, but I could not figure out how to work the international payphones. Once I got my ticket to Roma, re-packed my bags, and sat for a few minutes, I felt better. I guess I am just homesick. I am now sitting on the train, which will be leaving Firenze in about 6 minutes. The trip to Roma is about an hour and a half. I already booked a hostel, and splurged for a private room. I got it for 2 nights for a total of e78. I may stay there 3 nights, and then head right to Venice on Wednesday, so that I will be there on Thursday for my flight home. The alternate plan is heading to Bologna before Venice. I am definitely glad that I did not book any trains or rooms ahead of time. Not having the freedom to go wherever, and whenever, definitely would have sucked.

One of my 4 packages has made it home safely (the one mailed from Paris). Still worrying about the first one though, as it was mailed days before the others, and has my super cute doc martin shoes in it.

All is well again

I am in Roma. I like it here. Have not seen anything yet, other than the area near my room, but I like it. Right now I am sitting in the Laundromat. I got money from the ATM last night, got a nice room, and I feel better. I don’t know what about Florence depressed me, but I was not happy there. Other than the shopping, which was amazing, I didn’t like it.

After putting my clothes in the washer, I took a walk to find a grocery store. I love going to the grocery stores because it’s interesting, and cheap. I usually get a few drinks and snacks to have in my room. I got a bottle of milk and some cakey things for breakfast. It was yummy. And a bag of little biscotti to keep in the room, or for snacks on the train. Things are very cheap here at the grocery store. A huge bottle of olive oil is like 2-3euro. There are so many kinds of cookies and snacks that are cheap and look really good, and I’d like to bring a bunch home for everyone to try, but I cannot carry it all. Also, I don’t know what I am allowed to bring back into the USA. Hopefully they don’t have a limit on purses!!! If anyone happens to know, please email me and tell me. Also, wine is like 2-3 euro a bottle!!!! I am surprised there are not more winos. Oh, and if anyone knows how many bags you can bring on United Airlines, please email me and tell me that too. It is so rare I get internet, I have been forgetting to look these things up when I do get online. If you know, send it to vik@triad.rr.com. Thanks.

Oh, and also during my walk to the supermarket, I found more street vendors, and picked up a Gucci bag for e10. I am a hard-core negotiator, and got a great price. I really need to stop spending money, and don’t need any more bags, but who can turn down a Gucci for 10 euro???? Seriously.

After doing my laundry, I will go back to my room and drop it off. I think I am going to stay here until Wednesday night when I will go to Venice. I like it here a lot, and my room is great. It is owned by the Morelli's and is small, and old, and on the 8th floor. It is very well kept up, newly painted, super clean, quiet – there are only 3 rooms there total, plus a kitchen and 2 bathrooms that are shared. I have not yet seen anyone else there. I went to bed at about 8 p.m. last night, and slept right through to about 9 this morning. I guess I was really beat.

My feet have taken a beating and will need a serious pedicure when I get home. I realize now that every morning, when I start walking, I get this pain in my back and ass, and it gets quite painful, but if I just keep walking, it eventually goes away. Of course the drugs really help too, but overall I am really surprised at how much I’ve been able to get around. I am swollen though. My rings that were on my right hand had to go back on my left (which is a bit smaller).
I am relieved by the thought of staying here for 3 days. Moving often is very stressful. I will probably just poke around the city today, and plan to see the Coliseum and other things tomorrow. I also need to find a post office to see if I can send some of this crap home. Hey, I found a chap stick while digging through my crap! Yay.

Off route

Wednesday, October 21, 2009, 1:06 p.m.

Well, I thought I was getting 0n the train to Venice… turns out I am Naples-bound. Which is quite far from Venice! I will be in Naples (Napoli) in just over an hour, and then have a few minutes to explain the situati0on, hope I don’t have to p-ay for another ticket, and get on the train to Venice. I will hopefully be in Venice by 10 p.m.

Had this not been the day before my flight home, I would have taken this as a good reason to look around Naples. If I do end up having to buy a ticket, maybe I will see if there is a way I can spend a few hours there. Not sure how often their trains leave. It is like 200 degrees in these trains, and there is no little air spout like you have on an airplane. I see all these people with winter coats and such on, and I don’t understand how they are not dying.

And.... even MORE pics

2009-10-24T16:27:00.000-04:00

Me, looking like an arab, trying to keep dry in the rain.

What??? You call this a cup of coffee???

From the Matisse museum

I am not sure where this is

And here she is... The Pink Lady

Old Italian woman in Ventimiglia. She didn't speak English at all. She walked out of a building as I was walking by, and I knew by her tone and mannerism exactly what she was saying to me: "Hey, come over here and give me your arm to help me down the stairs."

Nice, France

Paris

VERNAZZA

LOTS more pictures!!

2009-10-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

AMSTERDAM

very pretty houseboat

amazing buildings are everywhere

It is really so impressive in person

There are literally millions of bikes in Amsterdam. Everyone rides them as their main mode of transportation, so they are locked to poles and the like, by the hundreds. It caught my eye when I came across this little one. I thought it was cute.

Beach in Nice, France

BRUSSLES

CHAGALL MUSEUM IN NICE, FRANCE

A RANDOM CHALK OUTLINE ON A PARIS STREET

TOWER EIFFLE

me touching the tower

COLISEUM IN ROME

Hey, where'd my penis go???

FLORENCE

This was made following one of DaVinci's designs

Me and Lego man. I know... I'm looking pretty rough at this point.

This woman is an opera singer from Canada. She was staying in my hostel. She was in Firenze to audition for several opera houses. She sang for the hostel and it was amazing!!! I have a short video of it.

Me and my Florence friends drinking our boxes of wine. These were like .99 euro

MONTOROSSO

At the party in Montorosso

Bittersweet return

2009-10-23T06:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm home. I still have lots to share -- stories and pics -- since I had limited internet in Italy, and will organize my pics and thoughts over the next few days, and upload. Hope you stay tuned!

Coming home was mostly good. I welcomed my own bed, where I am sitting now, at 5:42 a.m. I woke up like an hour ago, which would be 10:30 Europe time, ready to go -- my internal clock and daily expectation of adventure pushing me out of bed. Alas, no city to explore. No new "Pink Lady" or "Montorosso" to find. But I DO have a full pot of real, American coffee brewing, and a couple of books on North American adventures, which I will look through later and maybe choose a more local adventure soon.

I am VERY eager to see the kids, and wish they were up now. I really wanted to go see them last night, but after the day's greatest hits, including "Venetian Hell", "The Luggage Lug", and everyone's favorite: "Eight Hours On A Plane Next To An Iranian With B.O." I was just ready for my comfy warm, dry, quiet, clean, private bed -- no shared bath. (Although my experience has taught me that hostels are a great way to travel, and it's a shame we don't have them here.)

It was a bit strange driving up to my little house which sat here for the past few weeks, in its same spot in little Greensboro, quiet, and abandoned, waiting for me, while I was on the other side of the world, exploring others' little houses and daily lives. It almost made the entire trip unreal. Like a dream. One minute I am surrounded by unknown places, practices, people, languages, and foods, with every turned corner a new sight, and the next minute back to my world where everything is familiar and it is difficult to find something new. If I could, I would probably travel about 8 months out of the year. I'm sad it's over...for now.

All in all, this has been a wonderful journey, that I am very glad I took now. I didn't wait until I could afford it, or it was a slow time at work (no shit there, eh Carol?), or I had the vacation time built up, or my house was paid, or the kids were in college, or things were in order, or whatever excuses we make to put off doing the things we really want to do. Who knows if I would have ever had got to go, had I not just dropped everything and done it. Next week I start chemo, which will last about 6 months, then I have another surgery to undergo, and after that, nobody knows. I may be feeling too crappy to go anywhere. I may not be around at all. I may disappear for another few weeks to collect more stamps in my passport. Regardless of the unknown future, I'll always have Europe!

I consider cancer "the gift of insight." I have the insight to know that I may die sooner than I thought. I may not be around in 5 years. The reality is, we ALL will probably die sooner than we thought. We all will die and for many of us that may be preceeded by time when we are too sick to do anything we want to do. And all of us truly could go at any time. Whenever our end comes, it usually comes suddenly, and always permanently. Why is it that we don't get this? In the history of people, there is yet to be one whose life has not ended. Yet we still don't grasp that all we have is now.

Do things now. Go places now. Make amends, tell people you love them, splurge on yourself! It saddens me to think of any of the people I care about not getting to do things they wanted to do, because they put it off for "someday." This IS your life... You are there, in it. This is not a dress rehersal. It's started and heading toward the end. What are you waiting for? Go dance in the fountains in Paris. It's cold and wet, and wonderful!!!!!

I love you all.

What? No WeeFee in Italy?

2009-10-19T15:02:00.000-04:00

Seriously... it is a law... there are no wifi spots or places that offer it in all of Italy! So I am on a rented computer right now, and the keys are all in different places.

I am in Roma. It is cool here. I have not yet seen the coliseum, but did see Vatican City, though I did not go inside. I have a 3 days unlimited pass for the busses and metro, so like to just get on random busses or trains and see where I end up. Today I ended up outside of Vatican City, so I had lunch at a street cafe. I had red wine, pruscittio, genoa, bread, then coffee and tarimasu. Yum.

I am staying at the nicest place!!! It is a little "bed and breakfast" run by a family called the Morellis, so I just call the place Morelli's. It is not a bed and breakfast at all though. The Morellis dont even live there. Its like an apartment on the 8th floor of a building. It is an old building, and an old apartment, but very well upkept, and very very clean. I have my own room, with two twin beds. I may sleep in the other one tonight. Call me crazy. There are only 3 rooms there, with 2 shared bathrooms and a shared kitchen. I think there is another couple in one room, but it is seriously like having the place to myself. The door to my room uses an old skeleton key, which I find cool.

All elevators in Europe are the old kind with a door you open, that is wrought iron. They are small and creeky. When going up to the hostel in Firenze, and that girl Katie and I both got in an elevator, and both had backpacks on, and it was so funny. we could not turn around to get out and were shuffeling making tiny little steps to both go around in a circle so one of us could get out. Hard to explain, but was funny.

It gets very cold at night and in the mornings in Italy. I am considering buying some gloves.

Finally caught up on posting

2009-10-18T06:01:00.000-04:00

It is Sunday - 11:49 a.m. Firenze time. Yes, I am still in Florence. I am finally caught up on posting, and am posting this entry live. I checked out of the hostel this morning, but am still hanging around here to use the wifi. This hostel is great - much like St. Christophers in Paris.

I spent yesterday at the markets. all day. Spent waaaayyy too much money, and am down to nothing now. Will have to use my credit card for train rides to any other cities I go to. I have 4 days left, and then I need to be in Venice for my flight home. I now have way too much crap for me to be able to carry my luggage, so am thinking of options. Option 1: I can buy a cheap rolling suitcase and attach it to my current one, and hope that people help me when lifting onto trains. Option 2: I can wait until tomorrow when the post offices are open and try to send it all home. Option 3: I can try to rent a car, load up my crap, and spend the next 4 days driving around, then end in Venice. I have extra days, so am thinking I want to go to Roma, but again, am being held back by stuff.

I sent home my chapstick during my "send it all home" whim in Nice, and have been searching for one ever since. My lips are chapped, and the red spots on my face have not faded in the least. I hope they are not the start of those European moles that sprout hairs like that chick I saw in France.

oh, I grabbed some girl's ass yesterday in the street market. I totally didn't mean to (yeah, right...) The vendors are all set up in the street, and it's crowded and hard to get around, so I had a backpack on, with 2 other bags hanging from it, and was therefore clumsier than usual when walking around, and when trying to get by some people, I knocked over this guy's entire table of rings. As a reflex, I immediately tried to grab what I could. My left hand grabbed a corner of a ring box, and my right hand grabbed some girl's butt. I immediately started apologizing to everyone. The girl didn't seem to mind the incident nearly as much as the guy.

I am a bit sad today. I find Italy a little depressing. I am leaving Florence as soon as I finish this post. I don't know where I am going, or how I am getting there, but I need to find surroundings that affect me more positively.

I HAVE been reading the comments and emails everyone sends, and even though I've not responded directly (only because of lack of time/internet) I really look forward to hearing from everyone at home when I do get online, and thank you all.

OK, enough of Firenze. I'll let you know where I end up.
v

Saturday in Firenze

2009-10-18T05:48:00.000-04:00

I woke up and had breakfast at the hostel. It got very cold here last night and I had to search the room for a blanket. It is very cold in the nights and early mornings and then warms up quite a bit.

I headed for the market, which is where I am now, and have been for hours. My feet hurt. It is a street market with tons of Italian leather goods, and glass stuff, among other stuff… Oh, and scarves.. Millions of them. I bought a few things. It is a haggling type market, so I’ve done well and had fun.

I went to this little convenience store and bought a box of wine (the shape of a quart of milk), then came to this little plaza area to sit down and take a break with my vino. So I am sitting here on the ground, drinking wine from a box, like the high-class American that I am, and along come Katie, Daven and Oliver (people I met last night on the train, and followed to their hostel only to find it was full, so I then went on to find my own hostel.) They each had boxes of wine too, and they sat with me for a bit and we chatted about or days. Katie told me where to find the knockoff Prada bags, which I have been looking for.

So, I am off to buy black market goods, with my box of wine.

Wasted days?

2009-10-18T05:46:00.000-04:00

I feel like I wasted today. I am now in the train station (again…or still) at La Spezia, waiting for my train to Florence, which will be here in about 40 minutes. Here is what I did today?

1. Woke up in Montorosso

2. Looked around

3. Ate

4. Picked stones from the beach

5. Took the train to Vernazza

6. Looked around for like 10 minutes

7. Too the train to LaSpezia

8. Looked from the train station and realized there is nothing here.

9. Bought a ticket to Florence

So is the day wasted or not? I cannot tell. They are so precious no, down to the last few, but I did see a lot today, even though it was not a lot of good stuff. Actually the beauty of Montorosso made up for it all.

Again there is no wifi (or weefee, as they say in France) here, so I still cannot book a hostel. When I get to Firenze (Florence) I am sure I will find wifi, and then will find a hostel that looks good, and book it for 2 nights, and RELAX and walk around without my crap. My shoulders are killing me, and I am not having a lot of fun, so I have to change things immediately. I am guessing that my posts have reflected that – being fun and silly in the beginning, and showing less enthusiasm lately. It is extremely tiring doing this. It’s awesome though, and I certainly recommend that everyone pick up and go to Europe. Not all at once though... that would be kinda freaky. But anyway, I think staying in Firenze for a minimum of 2 days will put things back into a more positive and fun mode.

I broke down and bought a cheap watch for e5. It was way overpriced, but I got tired of not knowing the time. I also had to buy a corkscrew/bottle opener to open a Smirnoff ice I bought at the Monoprix in Nice. Monoprix is their Food Lion, or Stop & Shop.

I took a wrong turn at Genoa

2009-10-18T05:44:00.001-04:00

Genoa: Love the salami – the town…not so much. I forgot to write about my stop in Genoa yesterday. I decided to stop there from Nice, since it was on the way to Cinqua Terra. I leave the train station, and go right. Let this be a lesson – if you ever go to Genoa, go left. I ended up in this bad part of town, similar to south providence. For the first time on this trip I was uncomfortable on a safety level. I walked around quite a bit, and tried to find a place to stay. I didn’t find anything, and feeling uneasy about my surroundings, decided to get on a bus – any bus – and go somewhere that looked better. This guy who was going to show me where the bus stop is, was leading me the wrong way, so I told him I was all set, and went into a store where a man and woman were working. I think they could tell why I was in there. They told me the correct way to a bus stop, and I got on the bus and went back to the train station.

I was going to try the whole thing again, this time going left, but was sort of turned off to Genoa, and just came ahead to Montorosso. That is why I got here so late last night and was not able to get a room. Bt that worked out well anyway.

My new friends here in Montorosso tell me that Genoa is a great city, so I am sure there is something good hiding to the left.

Friday in Montorosso

2009-10-18T05:43:00.001-04:00

(This is an older post that I just now got up - it's from 2 days ago)

I spent the last few hours collecting rocks from the beach. The beach here is much nicer than the one in Nice, as it is rock AND sand.

I fixed the strap on my backpack with some handy duct tape. Glad brought it. The streets here are cobblestone, and the atmosphere very peaceful and quiet, so I r4eally didn’t want to be dragging my stuff behind me, making noise across the entire town. It is heavy, but at the same time a relief to have hands free.

On a whim yesterday, and further nudged by my roommate’s dream that he was throwing all of her items from her backpack towards home, I send 2 boxes of stuff home, getting rid of about everything. I probably should have thought it out better, as I send a few things that I now wish I had, but it was weighing me down not only physically, and I felt freed once I got rid of most of it. I sent my language translation book, which I really could use now, and the magic jack, which I wish I had. I may have written about this already, so forgive me if I repeat stuff.

I am sitting in a little restaurant now having pizza and wine. When I am done, I think I will move on to the next town in Cinqua Terra.

I am seriously low on money now, and will probably have to hit an at at some point in the next few days. I need to stop buying stuff, but it’s hard. All of my problems on this trip have revolved around “stuff.” Having too much stuff, trying to fit stuff in the pack, sending stuff home, having to find places for my stuff, constantly locking stuff, stuff being too heavy, wanting to get more stuff even though I cannot afford it, and have to carry it, spending huge amounts of money to send stuff home, and finally worrying about my stuff getting home OK.

Since sending stuff home yesterday I have now weighed the pack back down with rocks from Montorosso beach. Funny how I found clothes to be unnecessary, but rocks to be needed enough that I am toting them on my back. They really are quite pretty though, and I will be glad I have them once home.

Things are getting lost and broken. I guess it’s tough on stuff being hauled around. My mouse is sticking now. It’s a really good mouse, so I am a bit disappointed. At least my notebook is working ok though.

Lots more pictures

2009-10-17T03:16:00.001-04:00

Nice

My laundry adventure

I would love to live in one of these

Nice

This one is for Joss - I would NOT leave my baby like that.

I don't remember where this was (I hate that my memory is so bad) but this dude was playing music, and I believe I may have a short video of it.

This is like the fifth time I've seen this... People holding their kids over sewers to pee.

tilt your head to the left.

OK, you can untilt it now.

Wouldn't this be a great logo, if we used Nice as an adjective and not a noun here?

Cute old men who loved me taking thier picture.

Chagall museum (Museum Chagall for you French)

OMG!!!!! Is that Mr. Pitt??????

These are olive trees

I picked an olive. they taste TERRIBLE!! Very bitter.

Ahhhh, that's better

OK, gotta run now. Will try to post more pics later.

Spots

2009-10-16T05:25:00.000-04:00

The spots on my face are still there, and yesterday on the train I noticed they are on my arms too. They don't itch or anything, so I am not too worried. If limbs start falling off or something, I will seek a doctor. Otherwise, I'm just splotchy.
Miss you all. It's great being here, but I can tell coming home will be a hard re-adjustment. I met so many people who travel like this for months. I can't imagine. It's so hard to explain what it's like. I'll try later.

It is all a blur

2009-10-16T05:18:00.001-04:00

I miss my family and I am worried that the packages I sent home will not make it.

Montorosso - It's a fairy tale!

2009-10-16T04:15:00.000-04:00

friday October 16, 919a
sorry for any errors, no time to spellcheck or check typing.

I arrived in Montorosso last night to find the entire twn shut down. It is magically beautiful here, and to walk the streets alone, the the quite of the sleeping town, unbelieveable. I came upon a local, and asked if he knew where I could find a room. He made a phone call to a guy name Peppe, who runs a local hotel. Peppe was at a party on te other side of th train station, but told me to come meet him there, and when the party was over, he would walk back with me and get me a room.

I went to the party to find a room full of jovial locals. they were all so welcoming, and loud. It was like being around my old italian family again. I tlaked with several locals. they were all there celebrating the birthdays of three locals. I also talked with woman who found a boyfriend here, and them moved here from san francisco. she told me I should stay in town, as there is a 70's party tonight. I may. I asked her what it is like to live here, the town is surreal. she said it is magical. I had a couple of drinks and partied with the locals. What a way to be welcomed to the town!

I want to move here.
there is almost no internet here, so I cannot upload to the blog. I am really having to upload in spurts now, and will try to get more pics up when I get to florence. If I get there. I may stay in Montorosso forever.

The flash on my camera broke, so I can only tak pictres during th day, or when its light. which it is now, so I am off to explre beatiful montorosso.

I just found an internet cafe, so can upload a bit. I have to pay by minute here. I came down from my room at Peppe's and found a sweet italian woman, who made me a huge cup of cappucino. Luckily, while sipping it, I realized I did not have my passport. I told the woman that Peppe had it for photocopy and I cannot find. She found it for me. Too bad... I thought I would be forced to stay here.

I left the old woman's kitchen and started walking around the town. It's like a labyrinth, and so beautiful and charming. It was quiet, and I the only one walking around. All at once, seriously, the town was bustling all around me. People going about their day everywhere... even from the quiet deserted street that I just came from. It was magical.

Thursday in Ventimiglia

2009-10-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

I just got off the train in Ventimiglia, and am at a cafe having cappucino. Italy is very different from France, even though where I am is only about an hour away from Nice.

I tried to find the address for my cousins in southern italy, and cannot find them on my netbook. I cannot even remember their last name now, and it's disappointing me. If I am meant to go there, it will come to me I guess. I think I will spend a few hours here in Ventimiglia, and then move on. It's a very small town here. Quiet. Nice.

Sorry I am not putting many pics lately. Tiime is short, and having the right combination of free time, internet connection, and laptop power is extremely uncommon.

Off to explore Ventimiglia.

Day ? Thursday 10/15/2009

2009-10-15T08:24:00.001-04:00

I've lost track of days. I know I have a week left. It feels like the end of my trip, even though I still have almost half left. I spent more time than I wanted to in Paris, and again in Nice, so now I feel it's over and I can only go one or two more places. I will prove that wrong though. I am on the train to Italy now, and will go more places in Italy that I originally planned. I am strongly considering going down to pompeii, and also while in that area finding the cousins I have that live down there and trying to explain to them that we are related, and how, although I speak no Italian.

I have met several people so far. No Europeans, though... all fellow travellers. I had a long conversation with a guy from Chicago while standing in line for my ticket out of France. There is some sort of strike going on, so the lines for international tickets have been very long. I met a young girl who was in the hostel (the Pink Lady's) this morning when I woke up. I liked her a lot, and we had breakfast together. Just now, waitng for the train to Ventimiglia (Italy) I shared my bread, cheese and olives with a girl from Australlia.

This train is traveling along the coastline - southern France into Italy. The sights are so awesomely beautiful. Each more amazing than the last.
I woke up with red spots on my face this morning. I don't know what they are. There are like 4 or 5 of them. Hopefully nothing in the Pink Lady's bed attacked me.
The train just stopped to let people off. We are in Monoco. I considered getting off for a bit, but I am eager to get into Italy.
I lost another item... my water bottle. I am glad that only small, unimportant items are staying behind. Things that I don't really mind losing, and I think of it as leaving my trail.

I wanted to get back by my favorite bakery in Nice before leaving today, but they were closed. I did go to the post office, though, and bought 2 more of those large postage paid boxes like I got in Paris. I put a ton of stuff in them and sent it all home. My backpack is now light enough for me to carry on my back, but one of the straps broke, so I am wheeling it around. When I get settled somewhere in Italy today, I will see if I can fix it somehow. I really hope those boxes get home OK. They have all of my purchases, and cost a bunch. I was beginning to feel too burdened by my stuff though... like I could not go too many places, and my focus was too much on what to do with my stuff. I feel freed having sent most of it home.

Wednesday in Nice

2009-10-15T08:23:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday. I am still in Nice. I just went to the train station to get a ticket somewhere else, and they were closed, so I guess I'm sposta spend another night here. That is fine. I like it here. I am sitting in my hostel room with a loaf of french bread, some cheese, some olives, and a small bottle of wine. Life doesn't get much better.
I moved from the hotel to a hostel down the road (the one I wrote about earlier). It is costing me $15 for the night. It's small, packed with beds, very old, and run by a woman who speaks little english. She goes by "pink lady." She's about 70. She wears a tattered old pink prom dress ever day, with dirty white slippers and although she doesn't speak english, for some reason she and I are able to communicate perfectly well. I think she understands a lot, but only says "Oui"
There are more old people here than in Paris. Maybe Nice is like our Florida. I am the only female here at the hostel so far, so I have the room to myself. There are just two others here, in the next room. I would assume the Pink Lady doesn't get a whole lot of business, since her advertising consists of a sign outside on the street that says "Rooms e17."
Today I went to the Chagall Museum and the Matisse Museum. Both were great! Small, limited collections, but therefore manageable. It was 5.50 for the first, and the Matisse Museum was FREE!! The bus from on to the other, one Euro. The breathtaking view of wall-sized colorful art by Marc Chagall - priceless.

I am about maxing out my physical capabilities. Each day walking around gets harder and harder. I am now sore on the FRONT of my legs, like not the calf muscles, but the shin area. I didn't even know there were muscles there. With all the walking I've done, you'd think I would lose a few pounds, but I seriously think I have gained. Not sure how, I have walked literally hours each day, and aside from amazingly high calorie pasteries, have not really eatten much. It is too difficult to eat because I cannot read the menus. At first I figured I would just order anything and see what I get, but once I got here, I realized that I could be paying e8 for a side of fries or something.

Not sure what I will do tonight. Might just stay in and catch up on rest. Tomorrow I am heading for Genoa, Italy, which will get me to Cinqua Terra. Cinqua Terra is a line of five little (tiny) towns in a row, all on the coast. Google it and take a look at a few pics. Super cute and peaceful. The population of one of the towns is under 250. I was thinking of heading down to Rome, but I'm running out of money, so I probably won't. I do have some extra time though, since I removed Germany and Austria from the itinerary. Could always put them back though... who knows.

I am a bit worried about the packages I sent home. I went into the UPS store yesterday to see how much it was to send one that way, and it's over e200. I know, holy crap, right? But the woman there said be careful if sending by mail, as things may not get there, or may end up broken. I'd be really sad if that happened, because a lot of what I sent home was stuff I bought here -- clothes and gifts. I really hope they arrive OK. I think I may just purchase another suitcase to bring stuff home in. Since I only have a couple more destinations, it won't be too bad to lug it around, and then I can check it on the way home.
So far on this trip I have lost two things: the zippered case for my laptop, and the case for my travel towel. Nothing too terrible, but I liked them both. I believe the laptop case is in Amsterdam, and the other in Paris.
My bed is right at a window. I love the windows here. They are old and fancy, and open like french doors, and have no screens. I think I will take a nap now, under this window with the cool air trickeling in.

Packing 101

2009-10-14T03:11:00.000-04:00

I had a hard time knowing deciding what to pack before I left for Europe. I did not know what I would need, and what I wouldn't. I think I did a pretty good job. Here are my observations:

Stuff I am REALLY glad I brought:

Netbook!!!!
Baby powder
Plastic fork
Water bottle
Travel towel
Assortment of locks

Stuff I didn't need to bring:

Journal (Used netbook instead)
Language translation book

Stuff I wish I had brought:

OK, with this one comes another dumb story. I bet you all didn't know I was so talkative, did you? My mom traveled quite a bit over the years. She went on a lot of cruises, and came to visit me quite a bit, back when it was easier for her. She had this bag for her toiletries. It is black, with little flowers on it, and I remember seeing it around whenever she was at my house, or we went on a cruise together. (Neil, I'm sure you know the one) She had it every time. I have it now, and I love having it!! It smells like her.

When I was packing, I thought of bringing it, but I was trying to pack so lightly, I started with only a few things for it, and I thought it would take up too much room. I ended up with a lot of little crap that I keep throwing into a mesh bag as I move around, and every time I do, I wish I had brought Mom's bag.

That's the only thing I regret not bringing.

Have you hugged someone today??

Nice day in Nice

2009-10-14T03:05:00.000-04:00

I love Nice. It's much like Da Dam, which you all probably figured out, I am a big fan of. Just in size I mean; It's much more beautiful here. I spent the entire day yesterday doing nothing. I walked around a LOT and spent hours sitting the the beach collecting little stones that I like. It is impossible to tell you in words or pictures how completely awesome the views are.

The world's best bakery is right here in Nice, and right around the corner from where I am staying! I had this creampuff chocolate thingy when I first got here, and it was absolutely holy-crap good!!! I stopped by again on my way home last night and got another, and a piece of something that looked like taramisu, but was not. I ate them both for dinner in my room.

The coffee here sucks. I am really surprised about that. I have not found a good cup yet. Will stop at the next Starbucks that I see (yes they have them here.) They have no spenda or equal here, just sugar. And no cream or creamer. Just frothed milk.

I managed to catch a cold. Not sure if it is from the ice cold waters of the fountain near the Louvre, or being caught in the rain in Amsterdam, or walking around in wet clothing in Nice after rock hunting while the waves hit me. Either way, it's a European cold, so I am enjoying it. Snot and all!

The beaches here do not have sand, but all rocks. They are small-ish rocks, and tumbled round and smooth from the waves. When a big wave comes in, it moves a lot of those rocks around, and makes the most soothing noise as they hit each other. If I find myself at the beach again today, I will record this sound. Wish I had yesterday.

I have not decided if I am staying in Nice again today, or moving on to somewhere else. It's 8:44 now, and I have until 12 to decide if I am staying another night here or checking out. There is a woman just a little down the road, who runs a counter with food. She rents out rooms over that place for $17 per night. I looked at them yesterday, and may move there. They are very cramped, old, and hold several beds per room, yet there is something very appealing about them (other than the price). She has no tenants right now, so I would probably have the room to myself anyway. Though I really don't care much about that.

Random stuff

2009-10-14T02:58:00.001-04:00

I touched the Eiffle Tower. (As I said before, I am easily amused).

I do not know how to spell Eiffle. I think I have been switching between Eiffle and Eiffel. It is probably one of those.

My last night at St. Christopher's in Paris, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud sound I am quite sure was gunshots.

I have some pictures of the beautiful flower shops that line the sidewalks. As I walked by each, the smell of the flowers was so lovely!
It's funny how different cultures have different ideas of what is attractive and what is unattractive. On the streets of Paris I met a young woman who was absolutely beautiful. In her early 20's probably, and just gorgeous. She had a huge mole on her upper lip, which actually could have been rather pretty had she plucked the 5 huge wirey hairs that were growing out of it. How can someone look at that in the mirror and not grab some tweezers is beyond me.

Did I already mention that sales tax is included in all prices? I like this idea. It should be like that everywhere. You know exactly what you are paying.

Did I upload this post already???? I don't think I did.

2009-10-14T02:57:00.001-04:00

Nice Nice is Nice! I am in Nice now. Took the train in from Paris and got here about 6 p.m. It is beautiful here. Very quaint, and comfortable, with so much to see. Every corner you turn reveals another awesome view.

Shocking as it may be, I think I really like the smaller cities, like Da Dam, and Nice, better than Paris. Paris has a LOT too see, and it's amazing, and it's gorgeous, and all that, but it's almost like it's too much. The time I spent there seems almost lost now. It stretched into 5 days, and looking back, it is 5 days of blur. Even some of the pictures reflect that.

I am thrilled I got to see the Louvre. It's been a dream of mine for many years. However, if I ever get to come to Europe again, I think I would skip Paris and stick with the smaller cities. It is difficult enough to pull yourself out of the routine of life and focus on enjoying the moment -- wherever you are, or whatever you are experiencing for that second -- rather than always having thoughts of what needs to happen, or how things will go, or some other future event or obligation. The bustle and speed of a city like Paris makes it, for me, almost impossible to diconnect from everyday life in that way. In Paris I felt rushed, anxious, and aggravated by people who were in my way...much like I do at home. Here everything slows down and it's wonderful.

You know that sad, disappointed type of feeling you get on Sunday evening, knowing that the weekend is over and you have to go back to work on Monday? That's how it was in Paris. I found that I was already mourning the ending of my trip. Nice is definitely more my pace.

Tomorrow I have no plans at all, except going to the laundrymat. There is one about across the street from me. The rest of the day I will spend meandering around the city and seeing what I come across. If someone can point me towards the water, I'll seek it out.
I booked 2 nights here, but after tomorrow will decide if I want to stay another. I am thinking that I will. I was slightly nervous about coming here with no idea of where I was going or staying, but now that I'm doing it, I've got to say, there is NO better way to travel. I absolutely love the freedom of coming and going as I please, not having to rush to make any departures or find a specific hotel and whatnot. It's easy to do, with hotels and transportation options being so abundant here, and there is no feeling more wonderful than waking up in Paris and saying "I think I'll move on to Nice today."

I do truly wish I had a longer time though. One month would be an ideal time to spend like this.

Well, I am off to bed. I have a hotel room now (as opposed to a hostel) so I have a TV, and will see what kind of stuff they watch here. Then I will open the french doors covering the open window (no screens), and sleep with the night air of France wafting into my room. Ahhhhhh.

How cool was that!!!!

2009-10-14T02:56:00.000-04:00

Immediately after typing the post on baudrates and handshaking languages, two women came into the laundrymat. I am very hot, so was fanning myself with a beautiful spanish fan I bought in Paris. (I understand why Spanish women use them - they work very well at cooling, and I probably will always keep one with me now.) They though I was spanish -- probably because of my exotic appearance... or the fan...) and talked in Spanish to me. I said to them "English?"

They say "no"

I figure I would direct them to the laundry dude in the other room who is french, and say "Fron-say?"

They say "Espanol"
After I get over the amusement of this process happening that I had just written about (this took just a second, so it is not like they were there waiting for me to stop laughing or something) I tell them in Spanish, that I speak very little Spanish.
I am easily amused, because I was able to, with my very limited spanish, explain to them how the washers and the coin thingy all work!!! What a great day.

Time to dry.

Say "Ola" to someone!

Baudrate: English

2009-10-14T02:55:00.000-04:00

Do you remember the old days when we used modems instead of having high speed internet? And that annoying sequence of noises that went something like this: "bee booo bahhhhhhhhhhh naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"? That was called "handshaking" and was basically the calling computer saying to the receiving computer "I speak this way (baudrate), how do you speak?" and the receiving computer saying "I speak this way - do we match?" The computers would establish a method of communication that they both understood, and then would begin the conversation, i.e., you were online.
It is amusing to me to see that same process here, with people. Many times I've seen it happen. One person approaches another and the conversation goes like this:

Person 1: "Fron-say?"
Person 2: "Italiano?"

Person 1: "Espanol?"

Person 2: "English?"

Person 1: "Yes! Can you tell me..."

And then the conversation will take place in the established language.

It's funny.
I am doing laundry.
That's all.

You're gonna love this...

2009-10-12T18:45:00.000-04:00

How most people enjoy a beautiful water fountain in Paris:

How I do it:

Look for me on the cover of Vogue!!!

2009-10-12T18:09:00.000-04:00

So, I am leaving the Louvre (this was a day or two ago, but I am just getting to posting it now) and outside of the Louvre is this awesomely beautiful area with old buildings, fountains, etc. I find this model who is doing a photo shoot. I took a few pics of her. I then asked the photographer if I could get my picure taken with the model. She said no because they are in a hurry. I would image they have to say this or everyone would constantly disrupt them for photos.

Anyway, I got it in my head that I was going to get my picture taken with this model. I see nearby, and couple in maybe their 60's. They look friendly enough, so I ask the guy if he would take my picture with the model. He said yes. Then I had to tell him the rest of the information - that I had already asked and they said no, so he should have the camera ready and I will run by and he can shoot it. He gets all excited now about this game and says OK and gets into photo mode. So I run by, stop for a second next to the model and he shoots the pic. Unfortunately, he misses it because the camera delayed to auto focus or something.

Now the model, the photographer and the makeup dude, or whatever this little short dude who is surely getting paid a whole lot of money to constantly pull on the model's red bow is, move to another part of the plaza. The dude with the camera says he missed it, and we should chase her and get it again. Of course I am game, and he is getting all into it, and says "come on, come on, we can get it" and he starts running towards her, so I do too, and i stand next to her and try to stick my head into the frame.

Here is the bet shot he could get, although I did actually get to stand right next to her for a bit. It's hard when you are not used to a camera I guess. Anyway, red bow chick is like nine feet tall!!!! I am thinking that once the editors see this proof, they will probably want to use it, so start checking your magazines and let me know when you find it!!!!

Day 6 - Nice

2009-10-12T17:16:00.000-04:00

Here are some general observations I've made.

1. There are no old people in Paris. Seriously... none. I am not sure what they do with people once they pass 35 or so, but everywhere you go is flooded with people in their 20's, and some children. I don't think I saw one single person over 45-ish on the metro.

2. People here are rude. Paris, Nice, and from what I hear, everywhere in France. They walk around with absolutely no regard for others, and don't even seem to notice if there is someone already occupying the space they wish to pass through. No "excuse me", no eye contact, nothing.. just rude, self-absorbed people who have an attitude that no one exists but them. At first, I would move out of the way if passing someone on the subway or sidewalk or something, to let people by. As I realized what was going on, I started doing the same thing... completely ignoring the fact that someone may be in your path. It's actually quite difficult to bring yourself to do -- kind of like playing "chicken" but without the car. Many times people just bump and move on without acknowledging it at all. Who raised these people??

3. Store clerks are completely against human contact. If you put something on the counter to buy, they will ring it up, tell you how much, and then you are supposed to put the money in this tray on the counter between the two of you. They then pick up the money, put your change in the tray, and put your purchase in the tray (if it fits). I STILL haven't got used to this, and I keep forgetting, and handing my money to the clerks and then putting my hand out for change. This seems to bother them.

4. Taxes are included in prices. If something says it costs 4 euros, that is exactly what you pay. Then the receipt shows the item amount at, say, 3.90, or whatever, and the amount of tax to bring it to 4 euros.
This is rather convenient.

5. Europeans don't seem to drink a lot. Regular beverages I mean. Everywhere you go, drinks are very expensive, and you never get free refills. A glass of coke at a restaurant can be 4-5 euro. that's $6-7.50!!! For one glass of soda. Even at the stores a can is 2 euros. Menus list the drink section just like the dessert section, and rarely do you see people ordering soda. If you ask for tap water, you get a pretty little carafe filled with ice cold water. If you just ask for water, you will probably get bottled water which they charge for.

6. The Eiffel Tower is very commercial, and not nearly as romantic as you'd think. At least in the immediate area of it. It's loud, flashy, blinky, and has a carnival right next to it. As you approach the area, people start trying to sell you these tacky colorfull bright, rainbow blinky Eiffel Tower statues. It's much like going to a circus. From a bit of a distance, however, and once the blinking lights stop, and become solid lights (I am told this is new) it's definitely an amazing site.

7. Doors and light switches are backwards. Light switches go down for on, and up for off. Doors are confusing. If you'd expect it to pull, it probaby pushes; if you expect to push, usually you need to pull.

8. They put butter on sandwiches here.

9. Pariseans are all about PDA and you often see couples kissing quite passionately.

10. Not all pastry is "out of this world" just because it's made in France. (But some is!!)

that's all for now.

Silly little stories

2009-10-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

I had a stupid little adventure yesterday after the Louvre visit. I was walking around looking at the area, as the entire area around the Louvre is quite impressive, and caught my absolute first glimpse of the Eiffel Tower. It didn't seem very far away, so I figured I would walk towards it, rather than trying to figure out the metro route to get there. Three hours later... still walking.

Anyway, I notice all of the buildings look very old, and interesting, and have a lot of character. It is hard to tell what they are, but it seems for the most part they were what I assume are very expensive apartments. I try a few doors and cannot get in anywhere. Then I see through some windows on the street that the basement of a church is having some sort of class. I beleive it was an English class, based on what I could make out of a sign in french. I wanted to crash the class, which I surely would have aced, but the door even to that building was closed.

Finally I am walking past a building and some man is just coming out, so I caught the door before it closed and went it. It had one of those creaky little elevators with a iron gate door (an ornate one, afterall, this IS Paris) and I get in. I have some pictures of it, but since I am not online right now, I will have to post them another time. Anyway, I press buttons for all the floors and nothing happens. Then I thought maybe the iron gate door that I had left open -- it's tiny, and was a tight squeeze into this creaky elevator-- needed to be closed. I open the swinging salon-style wooden half doors open and close the metal gate. I press a button for the top floor (6 -- which is 7 by the guidelines of the American Floor Numbering Commission) and the elevator starts going up

As I pass each floor, which I can see through the bars of the gate, I see just 2-3 doors on each floor, and nothing else. I get to the top floor and exit the elevator. Same scene -- Two doors, each with a doorbell beside them. I try one door, and it is locked. I am now convinced that these are apartments, so go back down, slightly disappointed that the venture did not prove more interesting. I get to the first floor, or the zeroth floor as the French number, and find that the first of two enterence doors that I came in through, is locked. I look around for a latch and cannot find one. I giggle to myself at the fact that I may be locked in this vestibule (how is that spelled??). Finally I notice a tiny little lever near the protruding part of the door handle, and pull it, which allows the door to be opened. With a sigh of relief, I start feeling around the second door for such a latch, and cannot find it. I look all around the doors, feel all around, move anything that appears to be in any way moveable, shake the doors, try the handles over and over again (because that often works) and then realize I actually am locked in this building.

So now I feel like an idiot. Whenever someone walks by, I pretend to be doing something, to look like I belong there so I don't seem like the complete idiot I am. After about 5 minutes, I conclude I am locked in, and will have to knock on doors until I find (or wake) someone to help me get out. I go over to my left, to the first of doors that are on this floor, and press the doorbell. I hear a buzz and a click, and realize it opened the door!!! Only then did I notice that that door had a doorbell on both sides of it, whereas the others only had one doorbell. Very clever at hiding things, the French. So I walk out and continue my trek towards the Eiffle Tower. Again, I feel like this boring story was a waste of your time. If so, stop reading now, because I have one more.

I noticed that the French, in addition to being quite rude, are also not the brightest. In French, like many other languages, they say things backwards from the way we do. For example, the Louvre Museum would be Museum Louvre (but wth the french words), and the Eiffle Tower is Tower Eiffle. When asking directions to one of the famous attractions, if I ask someone who speaks no English, and say "Eiffle Tower?" while pointing towards the direction I think it is, they do not understand. If I say, in the exact same accent, and in my very Americanized way "Tower Eiffle?" they are like "Oooooohhhhhh!" and nodding their heads and all that. That strikes me as odd. If we were to have someone who speaks no English approach, and say "Station bus?" we would know they were asking where the bus station was.

Oh, lastly... one more boring story. (Are any of you loyal enough readers that you've made it this far?) As I've mentioned several times, the people here are basically quite rude. I think that sometimes they pretend not to speak English just because they are jerks. I came up with a method that I think will catch those who may be lying (so far I've not found anyone lying, or they are good actors.) When someone says to me they do not speak English and I think they may be fibbing, I say to them "Are you not intelligent enough to learn English?" I am convinced that I will catch the dishonest people that way, though, as of yet, all seem to be being truthful.

Wow I've written a lot today! I am off to bed now. Goodnight all.

There is glitter on my backpack

2009-10-12T16:48:00.000-04:00

Day... 6 maybe? Not really sure, but I AM sure that the days are going by much too quickly. I so wish I had a month or so to do this. Guess I will just have to come back again next year after chemo.

I have so many pictures I want to post, but they upload so slowly that it's hard to find enough time to do them. When I have the time to blog, like now, I have no internet (like now) or no power... when I have strong internet and full power or an outlet, I have no time. Alas, the pity.
It is 12:38 (just past midnight) in what has just become Monday morning. I am still at the Paris hostel. I bought my train ticket today to move on to Nice, and then missed the train by about 5 minutes. I had to reschedule for tomorrow morning, and lug all my crap all the way back to the hostel. Luckily, even though I had checked out, they let me have my room back again. It's that private room again. The only problem is they still have not rebooted the DHCP device up here, so I have no internet unless I go down to the lounge. Since I am in my skivvies, I think I best not.

No clever title or text... just a few more paris pics

2009-10-11T07:58:00.000-04:00

outside hostel

blurry street - there are a few of these here

these were holy crap yummy

hostel restaurant/bar

tilt your head to the left and it will make more sense

OK, I gotta run. cannot post the pics of yesterday's adventures like I wanted. I have to go to the laundrymat, and then the picasso museum.

I go out walking... after midnight

2009-10-11T07:34:00.000-04:00

My feet hurt! There is so much to see here. I walked for 5 hours straight last night. Everything ached when I got back to the hostel. I wanted to post last night when I got to my room, because I have TONS of good pictures to share, but the wifi is my was not working. I ended up just passing out, and slept until 11.

I came down this morning and told the hostel staff that the wifi in my room was not working, and that they needed to reboot the dhcp server, as I was not getting an IP address. The dude said he didn't know anything about it, and that I should just use the wireless down here in the common area, which irked me because I told him exactly how to fix it. I really wanted to have the wifi in my room. I paid a lot for this room (I got moved yesterday) because it's a private room. I don't mind the shared rooms at all, but am loving the private room for one main reason - I don't have to lock everything up every time I go anywhere. I have my stuff sprawled out all over the entire room. I am staying in that room again tonight, and will probably move on to Nice tomorrow.

It is 1:30p right now. I will probably go to the Picasso museum today, but have decided to make this day more relaxing so am not sure what I will do. I started out this trip with a very "take my time, relax" attitude, but since getting into Paris, being that there is so much to do and see here, I keep slipping back into a sort of "gotta-get-there" mode, and keep having to remind myself that there is no reason to rush... there is nothing I have to do, and no where I have to be. It actually takes some effort.

The amount of stuff I want to post about, and the amount of pictures I want to post is becoming overwhelming. I may have to save a lot of it forwhen I get home. I guess that would be better anyway. It would be silly to come home with no stories or pics to share because they have all been posted.

My battery is dying soon so I will have to move to a table with an outlet. That's all for now... I am going to post a few pics.

Day 5 - Paris (Saturday)

2009-10-10T05:19:00.000-04:00

Time is going by much too quickly. I wish I had another 3-4 weeks to stay. I am probably going to stay in Paris longer than I thought, as there is so much I want to see. I am heading out in a few minutes to the Louvre. I had breakfast a little while ago with Sonia and Maryanne. Then I had to pack up my luggage and store it until 2:00 when I can move into my private room. I wish there were another dorm bed open because it's much cheaper, and I like making friends with the women from all over. Too bad we don't have hostels in the U.S. I would travel more if we did. Between the public transportation system and the hostels, Europe is really set up for visiting throughout.

This is some sort of high security building in Paris. Perhaps there's a Brussels bakery in there.

YUMMMMMMM

There are a lot of these little cars around.

The hallway of my dorm

Paris - right outside the hostel

Outside of the hostel again

A women in front of me leaving the metro station had this little guy sticking out of her suitcase. It made me giggle.

My hostel breakfast. Look how huge the spoons are!!!

OK, on to the Louvre

Day 4 (right??) - Paris

2009-10-10T05:00:00.000-04:00

Arrival platform at train station

This is the metro station for my new home. (the new Leidspleins for you da-Damians)

I go to my hostel to check in (it's called Saint Christopher's) and the clerks are just changing shifts, so they asked me to have a drink in the bar and come back in a minute or two. I say "sure." So I go sit at the bar, and look down in front of me, and notice that apparently this is my seat at the bar!!!

Wow. I was impressed. I only made the reservation a few hours beforehand.

church

My Paris home - St. Christoper Hostel. It's great here! New building, super clean, lots of stuff to do (bars, restaurant, internet cafe, common room, etc.) huge bathrooms, roomy, comfy beds, large lockers, etc. I met a few women in my dorm. This one is all female (The Pig was mixed). I was rooming with a very sweet 18 year old from Canada named Sonia, a nice mother/daughter team (Maryanne and Lisal) from Australlia, and a couple of other girls I did not get to know, as I just saw them briefly. I have found several other women travelling Europe alone. Today I move to a private room, as the dorms were all booked for tonight (Saturday). I had to pay for both beds in the room, so it's like 95euro ($150) but is still a LOT cheaper than any hotel. I also get free wifi here.

This is a little boutique I found near my Metro stop (Crimee). It is run by an asian mother/daughter team (I think). I bought several things here. Their prices were good! I got 8 things (tops, skirts, etc.) for about 120 euro. It will be neat to have clothes that I bought in Paris. I am still looking for second hand shops

Last of the Brussels pictures

2009-10-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

these are all made of chocolate

Rear: Some Brussian (is that what they're called?) who got mean when I asked for directions

Front: Some Brussian who yelled at me in some non-English language when I took this pic of bitchlady. I told her "I don't speak...that" and bitch lady said she was saying I cannot take pics in there.. the bakery...apparently it's top secret.

A pay-by-the-day locker at Central. I kept my bag here (In No. 11) while exploring Brussles.

Art in the street.

More street art.

more street art. Belgian Waffles.

More random pics

2009-10-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

Market area in Brussels

Here they number the floors like PC hard drives... starting at 0

Waterloopein market in da Dam

some gals smoking at a hookah bar in brussels

gyro in brussels

Brussels is cool looking